Tuesday, January 26, 2010

mouse in the house and yogic realization. 45 m + 1 hr 2 m

this morning the problem is not about getting out of bed. the problem is this, should i get hwubby to go downstairs with me?

what's happening is there's a mouse in the house. yesterday we did what we could. actually i should say hwubby did the heavylifting, reaching into the back of pantry drawers to vacuum and stuff wall holes with steel wool.

by now the mouse is probably somewhere inside the fireplace, up there in the chimney. the kitchen table is piled with baking stuff and spices. the kitchen and pantry floors are a mess with the vacuum cleaner and bags and jars of provisions.

my dilemma is this. all this have stirred up bad memories.
as a child i slept on damp, cold concrete floor. rats ran freely around. i would wake up in the night terrified that a rat might run over me.

literally, a recurring nightmare that never ends.

and i still see and feel vividly, me, a girl of 8 or so, brushing my teeth one morning when a rat sprints out of somewhere near me and runs up my loose pajama pants. i scream. one parent is not responsive, the other behaving in a way that i think i am just making a big deal out of nothing.

this particular memory erupted yesterday morning when i stepped into the kitchen to do what i needed to before meditation, and what did i see but a mouse disappear into a crack between appliances under the counter where i stand every morning. from that moment the sensation of the mouse going up my thigh keeps coming back. it is as real as can be.

fast forward. i know the cracks have been filled and the adult suk wah, standing on top of the stairs, has to decide. should i wake up hwubby to go into the kitchen with me? after all he did make me promise to get him if i feel i need to.

but i just couldn't bring myself to wake him up hearing his steady, restful breath. what should i do? i take a moment to return awareness to the breath coming in and going out. quiet is without, and then i recognize the quiet within. the sound of the breath flows freely through me, body and consciousness. after a little bit i see something i couldn't see before. and i hear the message from within.

you don't have to be stuck in the memory. it is coming up to be removed the way the kitchen floor is a mess so that you could clean out the droppings, and you can't stuff up the holes unless you reach deep into the dark.

with this realization i look at the memory with a fresh eye from the present moment, not through the frightened mind of a little child trembling with helplessness, in the hands of ignorant big people.

firmly footed in the present, i choose to walk down the stairs, vigilant, confident that hwubby has courageously and thoughtfully taken care of the situation. i can step up and help myself with the rest of it. i have the power. i have what it takes. i know what to do. and i do it. i choose not to be in slavery.

in this morning's meditation i find my awareness transition seamlessly with ease between deeply subtle states and heightened alertness of the physical surroundings. i realize i am more and more connected with the inner self. it is a sublimely exquisite experience of safety and security from beyond the bone marrow.

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