face to face with my own face

how do i experience god in my own way? this was the guiding question in this year's teshuva workshop in roshashana 2nd day service. instead of figuring out how and where i missed the mark last year and find the way to return i just have to stay focused on the mark. i like it. after stumbling and stuttering for a while as my sharing partners stayed patient with me it dawned on me the intense dislike i had 18 years ago for my own face was really an expression of my longing to connect with something other than this body. and i could only verbalize it in the only way i knew how. and so i shared my experience. lynn, who always have exquisite insights, says, how miraculous, you want to dispense with your face and then you are face to face with the most beautiful part of yourself. yes, indeed. when my eyes first beheld my meditation teacher's picture in an old magazine, i was overcome with this thought, this is the most beautiful face i have ever seen or imagined, i want to have this face. now i know what i saw was the reflection of my own face, the face of the inner Self. what i really meant was, i want to live in her state.