i am praying so hard

i am praying for the courage, compassion and clarity to deal with the latest challenge, a health crisis in the immediate family. i pray for the strength to keep remembering again and again i am equal to the challenge. i pray for the sustained focus and fortitude to stay in the present moment. i'm praying for god to be on my side. i pray that i am on god's side, walking the path one small step at a time, impossibly difficult as it might look like at times.

don't buy into the voice that says you can't do it

it's about time to make another batch of ghee. hwubby looks at the used jars and says, how am i going to clean them? i can't do it. i say, start with one, see how it goes. after some humming and hawing he picks up a sponge, squirts dishing liquid into it, digs the thing into the jar and goes at it. by the way he even scrapes out a nice dollop of ghee from the seemingly empty jar. wow. after a short while he shows me the jar and says, look. it's spotless, greaseless. he says, i thought i couldn't do it but look at this, what happened? i say, you didn't buy into the part of you that says you can't, you didn't allow it to drive your action, and you know what, you did it once, you  can do it again, and again. sure enough. he cleansed all three jars.

who is that 'you' that watches all over this? his own highest self.

forgetting is the root of suffering

i have such a new-found appreciation for what the body has been tirelessly and quietly doing for me, supporting me and holding me up. how so? with a sprained right foot i can only sit cross-legged for a short while before the discomfort becomes unbearable. i realize i take so much for granted when everything in the body work well. in another word i forget. from now on when i meditate i will first thank the body for serving me so loyally, for being such a reliable companion on my spiritual journey. without the body i can't meditate, i can't chant, i can't study scriptures, i can't be in the sweetness of my own inner self. forgetting is truly the root of suffering.

out of present and an ankle sprained.

staying fully in the present is the way to plan the future. case in point. i am at the edge of the entrance to the sukka, the temporary outdoor hut, on the way to indoor when a person stops me in my tracks. we speak a little bit. i know i am not fully present because the mind is all about what i want to do next and the body is still in the forward momentum. and so it is when i turn around and put a foot forward i am not looking at where i am going and...whoops, i almost miss a step and end up with a sprained ankle. that, of  course, has impact on the moments in the future.

suk wah in the sukka

today i'll sit in a temporary, fragile hut in rabbi's backyard with fellow israelites. by the way rabbi says, you wrestle with g-d, of course you are an israelite. sunbeams will shine on me through the cracks all over the patched walls and thatched roof. the gorgeous fruits and vegetables that are hanging down as decorations take on an extra vibrant glow.

we will study the book of solomon. yes, the king solomon who allegedly had a thousand wives and all the worldly power and pleasures in his hands. yet he says, to the effect, it's all futile, none of these last, enjoy them but if you think they are permanent and try to wrap your life around them you'll be in so much trouble. well, the wise king doesn't use exactly those words but that's my sense of the gist of it. the truth is the truth is the truth.

anyway i notice, in past years, sometimes it's hard to focus on the text because i can't keep my physical eyes off the beautiful abundance all around me and when i can, the inner eye couldn't resist the allure of the sweetness of my own self within the way iron dust is helplessly drawn towards magnet.

i have access to boundless strength and clarity

today's meditation is mostly....thought waves. and jolts of impatience. at several points i feel like i am on the verge of either exploding on the spot or i must get out of meditation. i summon up all the will i can gather and forcefully breathe in deep and breathe out long. again, again and again. eventually a tiny flash of insight shines forth. fear of uncertainty. discomforts of not knowing the outcome. then mysterious alchemy happens. the unbearable intensity of discomforts comes down little by little. i end up meditating almost two hours, feeling more anchored in my inner self, filled with the conviction that i have access to boundless strength and clarity.

drink mid-autumn moon

snap awake two-thirty. three words appear in the clear inner quiet. mid autumn moon. i get up, look out the window and up. there she is, the dinner plate moon with a wide, misty aura. i say to hwubby, let's go drink the moon. we bundle up, step onto the back deck, sit down and bask in the moonshine. every breath i take is cool, light and comforting. i feel the warmth of hwubby's embrace and lock gaze with the moon. suddenly the gentle luminosity of the full moon switches into dazzling brilliance. only then i realize there has been cloud passing between my eye and the moon. i watch the luminosity level of the moon shift from moment to moment. yet without a doubt the fullness of the moon's radiance has not changed. it's the passing clouds that create the illusion that there is a dip in the glow. this is revelatory. the light of my inner self is ever fresh, ever full, ever bright. it's the clouds of thoughts, feelings and emotions that create the illusions that i am anything less and smaller than the full moon of the inner self.