Tuesday, April 6, 2010

a difficult meditation

haven't had such eruptions of thoughts, emotions and memory in a long time. i didn't feel like i wanted to give up, get up and leave. whenever i caught my awareness going under in waves of mental activity i just summoned up a little more will, breathed in a little deeper and breathed out a little longer.

i know what the trigger was. the 30 min phone call with mother. i managed to say a few 'hai-ah, hai-ah' which means nothing in particular. other than that i was just working hard inside myself. reminding myself. suk wah, you are not the guilt, you are not bad, you are enough, nothing adds to or diminishes who and what you are.

on a pragmatic level, that's the only way i know how to get my mind into a place where i can see what need to be taken care of and what the proper and appropriate actions are to do that. sometimes the action involves making difficult choices, like saying no. we'll see.

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