get outta mitzrayim.

what is the essence of passover? why is something ancient relevant to me right now? once i find out the layers of meaning of the hebrew word, mitzrayim that is translated into egypt my love for passover has never looked back. really. check this out. a narrow place. narrow consciousness. where you are stuck in slave consciousness. hear this insight. you can take a slave out of egypt but you can't take the egypt out of him/her. i examine my own journey. so true. i have these fantastic experiences of who i am, courage, strength, joy, all that good stuff and so much more. yet, time and time again, because of limiting thoughts and feelings and emotions based in poverty consciousness which is none other than slave consciousness i behave like a lacking person who depends on others' mercy. and so i have to wander in the wilderness, build up that inner strength and clarity. after all, in the desert what else is there to see outside. not much. between the cosmos and sand i look within and, behold, i see what i am. i taste manna, throbs of sweet peace, waves of steady strength pulsing through my entire being. the hunger and thirst in body and soul are satisfied. so i say it again and again to myself, pass over mitzrayim, get outta mitzrayim. may it be so.

inner pharaoh

pharaohs are like all things in the physical universe. they come. they go. one down. another one up. the only pharoah that i can really have a rein on is my inner pharaoh. really. all that which keep me in poverty consciousness are stuff of a pharaoh's doing. last night after hwubby and i have a discussion about what is our inner pharaoh i go to bed feeling this sense of a hard layer gradually shielding the heart region. i watch it. i don't pin it onto any specific thing. mostly it is a pervading sense of sadness, sorrow, melancholy. what causes it? really. it can be anything. one thing is as good as the other. there's always some reason to make worrying and fear seem real and justifiable. early on a wise yogi says to me, the problem is not the problem, it's your problem with the problem that is the problem. this morning i wake up and find my awareness in this vast, quiet, still space that is throbbing subtly with vibrancy. the natural breath is flowing in and out with ease. i lie there. i see this hardness around the heart is still around but now i look at it with a fresh eye. insights appear like silk being drawn from cocoon. on one hand they make sense of this hardness. on another hand they, along with the hardness, come and go as well. none of it, good or bad, sad or pleasurable, is who i really am. the body comes and goes. thoughts, feelings come and go. it is my innermost self that is the single constant through all this. it is independent of anything in the physical universe. it is watching all this and all this and all this come and go. i am enslaved to nothing and no one. anything that makes me feel less than that is the voice of the pharaoh.

to go for the highest, travel light.

seder is right up there, my top fave spiritual activity that has food and grocery seamlessly woven into the teachings. taste buds are titillating. sensory pleasures are evoked. all for the purpose of drawing out the unshakable faith within us. when we call out with all our hearts and souls we do get response though it mostly doesn't come in a shape and size that we would like. in this case, to break free of slavery we have to leave all comforts, relative and meager as they are, behind and go into wilderness. since there isn't much to look at outside all we have are what come up within and, o me o my, what powerful stuff they are.

i say seder is spiritual democracy in action. you don't need to go to a temple or any house of worship. you don't need a rabbi. my first seder was with hwubby in a graduate apartment in mills college in the first year of our marriage. just the two of us. i prepare gefilte fish with gusto. i make charoset, roast the shank bone. my eyes are watery from the fresh horseradish. the grassy freshness of parsley refreshes my enthusiasm. a simple bread of flour and water affirms that you don''t need to take much with you to plunge into life-changing adventure. as a matter of fact i need to leave behind all that which make me stuck in the narrow land of poverty consciousness. to go for the highest, travel light. i remember i feel like a queen as hwubby and i sing a raucous and joyous dayenu. i look at all those mental stuff, habits, tendencies as the plagues that veil me from experiencing who i really am.  i pass them over. from that seder on i feel so hebrew. why not? i am a boundary crosser. i am definitely an israelite. of course. i wrestle with god day and night. and so, chag sameach. good yentiv. may we always remember who we really are and where we ought to live.

choose that which takes you closer to god

is this a message from the inner self? or not? this is the question. as my meditation practice is getting stronger and stabler, little by little, over time, the difference between the choices becomes more and more subtle. not utterly black and white, but rather in a gray zone of various hues. hwubby and i made a decision a couple of days ago. it has consequences that ripple out in all areas of our life. even though we had been doing due diligence, keeping our vigilance and clarity in check in the course leading up to our decision i soon see doubt appear. what if...maybe i should have done this...may be i shouldn't have done that...am i doing the right thing...blah blah blah. in the moment all these thoughts and feelings are real as can be. and as i reflect on it i don't think i was aware of my breath throughout these mental grips. as the agony came to a peak an insight bursts forth. see what happens when you wake up. i get it right away. between sleeping and waking states is this zone that is sort of like deep outer space. with eyes closed i am in this vast place that is quiet, still, crystal clear and suffused with a throb that is subtle and vibrant all at once. here i can see what i cannot see when there are all kinds of thoughts and mental activity clamoring my attention. so, fast forward to the next morning. i am in that space. i look into it. none of those thoughts and feelings that were hammering me the previous day is around. aaah. so they have dissipated. all that i experience is a sense of deep peace and contentment. i glide into it further. and i hear this. the decision is neither good nor bad. it is what it is. now move on. with that i see possibilities open up in all directions as a result of this decision. now i can explore them. isn't that great. then i recall this teaching. choose that which takes you closer to god. if they are pretty much the same in this way, do what's practical.

a boon in disguise

i don't go out in the evenings. if i do it is a super-duper special event. so when i feel this desire to say yes to this facebook invite i think it is because the host and hostess are fellow yogis who are dear to me. so there we are, hwubby and i, having a wonderful time with all these people in a gallery, celebrating the creativity and birthday of a fine yogi, tom franco. by the way, all these years, i pretty much see tom in between extended meditations. while i meditate on my elaborately arrangement of blankets and cushions tom dedicates to selfless service to create and sustain a meditative environment for seekers. he's a major boon to humanity. we nod and smile at each other and i feel so close to him. anyway, anyhoo, i am so thrilled to see him in his full artistic glory.

while i am enjoying the yummy birthday cake and the spread of refreshment that julia, tom's sweetheart, collaborator and life partner so lovingly has put together  i notice hwubby absorbed in a conversation with a highly esteemed yogi. so later i say, out of curiosity, you had a nice time with vinod, huh? hwubby says, he knows what happened to me, and he doesn't mince words. i say, what do you mean, what does he say? well, vinod says, to this effect, you had a rest, it's a boon in disguise, you had to learn something, you were made sure to learn it. hwubby says, what is it? vinod says, discipline. and then he gazes into hwubby and says, you got off dirt cheap. really. who knew we would be illumined with such divine understanding while a hot band is rocking out a few feet from we stand. i realize there isn't a spiritual life within and a worldly life without. it's one life.

we are a guac black hole

six of us doing the practices together. sweet and intimate. we chant rudram with our guru on dvd. i have no doubt she is with us right here in shivaa's divine abode and we have her all to ourselves. i feel that much closer to god, that much closer to my own true nature, my innermost self, the source of all that i am. as i glide into meditation on the wave of resonance from our singing om this steady throb pulses through my entire being. the scents of shivaa's blooming roses quietly infuse through the windows and dusk lights and permeate my awareness.

we emerge from all this with a bottomless appetite for food. shivaa says, i made this guac with five huge avocados. and? we wipe it all out to the last drop. we are surely a guac black hole. i, for one, have two big bowls of shivaa's spring soup. tender fava beans in a shittake broth enriched by coconut milk. slivers of a variety of mushrooms float together with bits of carrots and red pepper flakes. a hint of ginger gives it an extra subtle buzz. for salad shivaa does this spring number. cole slaw with mint. lorraine is the first one who raves about it. i take a bite and my jaw drops. a brilliant move.

stomach satisfied and mind quiet i hitch a ride home with shrileka continuing with our spiritual catching up. as far as i am concerned that is the real dessert. insights and understandings arising from us examining and reflecting our experiences sweeten our perceptions as we take care of all kinds of life challenges. we realize more and more all this is grace. all this is grace. and all this is grace. as a seasoned yogi says about hwubby's taxi hit, a boon in disguise. now, ain't that sweet.

glorious meatball soup

on one hand i am a meditation nut, total believer. on another hand at the end of a long and difficult day there's nothing like a bowl of steaming glorious meatball soup that, in one spoonful and bite can instantly lift me up to the seventh heaven. the adorably sized meatballs are featherlight and juicy and perfectly textured and seasoned. without a doubt the best meatballs i have ever had. ever. hwubby agrees. and the soup is light and rich all at once. loads of cabbage and carrot. my body and mind heave a huge sigh of relief as the flavorful and fragrant warmth course through all the tight and stressed out nooks and crannies. and here's the wonder of all wonders. one bowl and i don't feel hunger gnawing me. i am satisfied. gulping down some more would be violating the sacredness of such divine creation. so, thank you, a big thank you to orah. you sure know how to ball up magic.