emails and spiritual practice

hwubby and i discuss a situation for more than fifteen minutes. he's supposed to be invited to an event. it's the day before the event and he's heard nothing. blah blah blah. finally i say, if this event is that important to you, you need to find out. all i base on is something my says, to the effect, if something comes to your attention and lingers you need to attend to it. what happens is, in my learning experience, if you don't it stirs the mind. like throwing one stone after another into a placid lake, there will be so many ripples that you can't see any reflections clearly. hwubby agrees. after a little while, he says, now there's a problem. i say, what now? he says, it turns out that this person emailed me a while ago for my feedback regarding this event. i thought i sent out a response. i just dug around. that email is in the draft folder.

oy. right away i recall something else my guru say, a yogi can turn anything to his/her advantage. i say, you write an apology email right away, send flowers to her tomorrow, i'm sure this is not the first time something like this happen to anyone in the history of email. anyway it is precisely concerning something like this that i have a practice of going into the sent box after i send out any email. i thought it is a sensible business practice. now i realize it is a spiritual practice as well. it diminishes the possibility for unnecessary mental activity.

sit. walk into the heart. clean mirror

here's how i would describe the way i look at my meditation practice right now. every day i sit down on my meditation mat. by the way this one has been such a loyal companion for eighteen years. anyhow, anyhoo, i sit, jump into the river of the breath and glide into the subtle heart, my innermost self. everyday is an adventure, a travel into the inner space. these days as i follow the path of the inhalation and exhalation i see that the space where the inhalation emerges is no different from that into where the exhalation disappears. little by little, day by day, this space shows me how vast it is. the mind can't reach its limits.

the metaphor that sort of approximates what happens in meditation is this. it is spiritual mirror cleaning. all that dust and dirt over the mirror get wiped out. i get mental clarity. for instance, today i see a road map regarding a knotty situation that hwubby and i have been working on. not that it is all resolved in one neat move. rather it illumines the next move. aaah. to stay in the present. now, even that is not my purpose to meditate. so i scribble it down, let it go and move on, deeper and higher into my own true nature.

relaxed alertness. even-keeled joy.

as i marvel more and more the crystalline clarity and purity of the visuals in the dream, how refined and luscious those figures of smoke are i realize why the scriptures call this physical body gross. that doesn't take away the holiness of this body, the temple in which we know our own true nature. it's just that i have the experience of what is real. in this morning's meditation it is so clear that the space into where the exhalations dissolve is both within me and holding me. i no longer get frustrated because the mind can't wrap around it. i gently place attention in the movement of the incoming and outgoing breaths, don't try to force anything or judge anything, like, am i doing the right thing, should the inhalations be longer, shouldn't i equalize the inbreaths and outbreaths. blah blah blah.

the other thing i realize recently is i have not been taking enough time and care to come of meditation. because the mind kind of has this habitual way of judging my meditations. o, it's not deep, you are aware of your body, you don't see thunder and lightnings and angels. so usually when i hear the timer i take a few rounds of deep breaths and get up from the asana. what happens is i would get drowsy and even dizzy during the day. but since i have been giving time and attention to bring myself out of meditation my energy during the day is steadier. there is a heightened sense of alertness in a relaxed manner. i am tied tighter and tighter into this state of even-keeled joy. it's so easy now to enjoy things and people and not get attached or bothered.

dream in me? me in dream?

the visuals in this dream has been so very much in my consciousness that, to me, it's as real as, if not more than, all that in the physical world. here's that particular fragment that is absolutely my top fave. i'm ready to go to work, on my way and look to my left down a street. all that i see is figures and an old tree. they are made of black smoke. through them and against them, as the backdrop to this dream canvas i can see gentle, tender fish-belly-grey pre-dawn lights. the vista is exquisite and lovely beyond anything i have seen or imagined. i move in closer. one of the figures turns in my direction, gives me this look that startles me and stops me in my track for a fraction of an instant before i realize i am moving backwards at the speed of...a canon ball. i find myself moving at an ever accelerating speed, so fast that i cannot see anything around me but blurs. the sense of speed is so real that it carries over into the waking state for quite a while. i see anxious feeling appear, and a thought. where's hwubby? as i look at this and i can't help it because the beautiful composition of the scene and the look from that ethereal, smoky figure are, as i type this, vivid as ever. their brightness don't dim a bit. so as i reflect on this i realize the mind cannot wrap around the paradox that this vast dream space is holding my awareness while the dream happens all within me. the other thrilling insight is this. it is the benchmark of progress when dreams are bright and vivid. and by the way, here's a huge mystery. i go to sleep in the dark. i awake in dark. so by what light is dream illumined? where is the light source? there has to be a powerful source because the colors in the rest of the dream are just vibrant and strong. really. at one point i gaze into this sparkling white top that i am wearing and marvel at the marigold yellow of the poop in the toilet. aaah. what else but the light of my own sublime self.

body is in space and space is in body.

who knew?! yogic realization while doing finances. of course. why not. here's how it goes down. there i am working on the p and l and, in a quiet manner, i notice a deepening in my outbreaths. my awareness is in this huge subtle space while i am aware of the contours of the body. a question arises. is this subtle space in my body? or the body inside the space? in a mystical way this question illuminates something that has been sort of frustrating me for a long while, like, years. i have been attempting over and over to meditate on the space between breaths. breathe in. notice where breath arises. breathe out. notice where the breath dissolves into. after a little while i always gets confused. am i doing the right thing? i seem to have lost track of where the breath arises and where it dissolves into. is the former outside of me? is the latter inside me? and so it all makes me feel i am sort of not getting anywhere, not 'getting it.' back to where i am, preparing a spreadsheet of financial data, and i clearly see that there is only one space. the body as a barrier is just a limiting thought. turning away from that thought, what am i left with? the understanding that this subtle space is within the body and the body is within the subtle space. this is such a paradox that no wonder the mind has trouble wrapping it around.

now i can return to the spreadsheet. thank you, my own innermost self, for the illumination.

eat same thing everyday and a special shout out

inspired by vito and four bags of bargain mushrooms. really. loads of portobello, oyster, crimini, huge buttons. all for three sixty. i basically followed mastianich's recipe. garlic. parsley. by the way, a friend gave me bags of organic parsley freshly picked. lucky me. so i throw in a chinese touch. ginger. and my top fave aroma enhancer. onion. at the end, turn off the flame, sprinkle generously garam masala and a herb mix of thyme, oregano, fennel. and yes, it's a gift from another friend. i have forgotten to mention i pour in chicken stock at the recommendation of rebecca. indeed, a special shout out to rebecca. she took me and hwubby to the grocery store. we haven't been there for several weeks already. and she's tons of fun to be with. getting back to the mushroom concoction. i use it in my chuk, rice porridge chinese style. hwubby uses it as spaghetti sauce. all great. it would be a fantastic soup too. now a full tub sits in the freezer. another tub in the fridge. enough for a week. did i mention i can just about eat one thing everyday if i love it that much. hwubby says, how can you do that? i say, why not, i love you, i don't say i want to have a different hwubby every day:)

from papaya to litigation

i am so happy with what i got. bags of bargain produce. check this out. three hawaiian papaya for eighty nine cents. now, they do look very...ugly. one of them actually is caving in. but guess what, that's sweet sunshine in disguise. a spoonful of its saffron juicy flesh, the aroma and flavor send me straight to the beach where the president of united states hung out as a boy. another couple of mouthfuls later i realize something. i see that hwubby and i are presented with a fantastic opportunity to really deepen our connection to our innermost, highest self. we are going through litigation and yesterday our lawyer presented us a situation where we have to make a choice. a tough choice. how to go about choosing which way to go? what is the right thing to do? food for contemplation. i scoop out another mound of heavenly papaya and i go deeper and higher into my own true nature. there i will receive the guidance i need. it may not come while i am eating up the papaya. so i have to stay vigilant, be aware. messages may come in any direction, any manner, any shape or size.