my prayer on passover as an israelite.

i totally consider myself an israelite, someone who wrestles with god.

thank you, my dear yhvh, for getting me out of egypt, mitzrayim, a narrow place. now may i be granted the courage and clarity to get the inner egypt, a narrow consciousness, out of me. i want to have the kind of unwavering faith that abraham and moses possessed. i want my inner world to be free of the bondage of fear, anger, greed, foolishness. slave to tendencies no more. i want to see the force of healing and transformation flow through me unobstructed, no holding back. i want to be able to see that same power in everyone, everywhere. amen.

sorry, body, i treated you not so good

i really have to give a big shout out to this body of mine. you are doing such a phenomenal job. you hold up an easy lotus cross-legged posture for two hours with such ease and steadiness. i can't say enough what it does to put my mind in a comfortable and relaxed state. you shelter the mind. you make it feel safe. i can just watch the myriads of thoughts, feelings and memory go by and have no desire to do any knee jerk reaction about it.

i mistreat you so often and you always work so hard around my bad habits. i know i didn't need that third piece of brisket last night but it's so delish. i couldn't help it and overloaded the digestive system. yet you are so forgiving. i thank you and i promise i'll do better next time.

new era

wide awake at 2.40. all i can think of is to get up and meditate. i end up sitting more than two hours. feels like stepping into a new era.

as i enjoy the breath ever deepening and lengthening i sense this inner clarity becoming more refined and subtler. i can see things i didn't see before. case in point. there were beautiful lights in a meditation experience recently. that much i am certain. but there is something about the experience that i can't quite grasp. until now. i recognize i am watching the lights kind of like looking up from the depth of ocean where shafts and swathes of refracted lights wave through the gently moving waters.

it's all so very alive. peaceful and dynamic all at once. it's telling me something. i feel a closeness to them like they are my immediate family. no, it's like they are parts of me. i can trust them. they have no other purpose but to help me to transform, to become what i can be from what i am.

it dawns on me the ocean is none other than my consciousness. the lights are rays of my inner self. they are lovely. they are glamorous. they are what i want. they are what i have. they are what i am.

my meditation teacher says, we meditate not to attain god from outside. we meditate to become aware of god within. this is my humble experience.

i want to be a leak proof vessel

i'm determined to be a leak proof vessel. what do i mean by that? well, i work hard to build up a wealth of meditation energy. just as a miser holds on to every penny, and hwubby says, you sure qualify as one, i must watch out for mindlessly spilling out the hard earned treasure. how do i do that? i need look no further than how, when and what i speak. is it true? is it kind? is it necessary? is it the right time?

as i contemplate a montage shows up on my mental screen. a collection of exchanges my meditation teacher with people over the years. in all instances, either she was speaking to me or i observed her interacting with someone. but in all situations her words are uplifting and appropriate. being uplifting is not pollyanna, really. and saying we all have to die anyway is inappropriate to someone who just lost a parent, spouse, child, a dear friend.

and when to zip up my lips. that's huge. mr. ken feinberg handled financial compensation for 9/11 families. charlie rose asks him, what lessons have you learned? mr feinberg says, never underestimate the power of listening.

for me, cultivating the skill and capability of listening to the voice of my inner self is of paramount importance. i sure have my work cut out for me. on this one i have a phenomenal role model in hwubby. he listens in a way that is on par with my meditation teacher. from his heart.

gatekeeping what comes out of my mouth goes a long way to becoming a leak proof vessel.

hooked on meditation.

two hours of sweet, sweet meditation. the body is definitely hooked. i couldn't have kept roaming in the increasingly lengthening and deepening breath if there were not things to do.

for sure the low dose restlessness that's been forever in the body is mostly gone. i feel so comfortable in the easy lotus posture that there is not an iota of desire to shift in any way. there's a lightness in the mind beyond measure.

i am definitely becoming more and more aware of the sound of yhvh in the breath. yud. hay. vav. hay. real as can be. it's a feeling of awe and security at the same time.

today's chai is that little bit more yummy. i don't need it. but with a bright and free mind aloft in a clean and quiet consciousness i enjoy it even more.

see sense emerging from randomness

almost two hours i meditated. how did i do that? i just sat until i wanted to get up.

with every breath in and out i settle in a little deeper, go a little higher within. the quiet within is truly sweet and alluring.

at one point i realize there is tremendous energy roaring in the arms, hands and fingers. i watch my awareness roaming a range of consciousness levels. i see connection in things i didn't see before. subtle connection. i've been working with a large amount of data. i begin to see some sense emerging from the randomness. the mind is definitely becoming clearer and brighter. mental noise is down. way down.

the body is holding a steady and comfortable upright posture. the body is getting stronger.

healing lights all the way

i meditate for about 2 hours. i can't get over my posture. so comfortable. so upright. so still. on one hand i have to give credit to my effort. on one hand i know there's a gentle force holding it in place and it comes from deep within. i watch the force doing its thing. i feel it. i am in awe. i love it.

i digress.

this morning my friend is having a surgery. to remove a brain tumor. i hold her in my awareness. i send healing lights. healing lights fill up the surgical theater. healing lights flow through everyone on the surgical team, surgeon, anethesiologist, nurses, and so on. healing lights permeate all the surgical instruments and equipment. healing lights infusing the tumor. healing lights in my friend's breath, consciousness. healing lights permeate the operation from start to conclusion. healing lights all the way. healing lights all around.