cold shower and meditation.

make no mistake i am not going so far as to say this dry-scrub-cold-shower thing is pleasurable. i hear somewhere that if you can endure the first minute you'll love it. suffice to say it feels like that first minute has no end to it. but, somehow, there's a steady spring of determination from within pumping me to go ahead with it, stay with it.

this morning's meditation is an effortless deepening of my awareness into the space between breaths. in a clean and quiet way there's a subtle opening between the breaths as i roam in the place where inbreaths emerge and outbreaths disappear. this place holds my body. this place exists within my consciousness. there's a refreshing coolness gently blowing through the body and the inner universe. at the same time my limbs, particularly fingers, palms and arms are full, like warm water balloons bouncing in a steady, comforting rhythm.

i have forgotten to make a note that i notice a difference in tone and texture of skin, head to foot. awesome.

encore cold shower

once the inertia is overcome the mind is more open, the body is more relaxed and i can really see what's possible. for instance. it takes some doing to have the first cold shower. turns out i like it. hey, if it were not for the broken water heater...not that i wish it on anyone. i digress. soon i notice the skin towel that i've been using during shower. hey, i can use it to dry scrub, get circulation going before stepping into the cold. so i do. it's amazing. an explosion of refreshing, invigorating tingles. fireworks in my whole being. as i wrap myself in a towel there is this vibrant warmth spreading from within. it's enlivening. as a matter of fact i meditate that much deeper this morning. i actually have the sense that i am beginning to enter the space between breaths. now i like it so much i'm even kind of thinking, i'm gonna miss this when hot water is back.

cold shower

never say never, you never know. that's what i heard when i said to myself, there's no way i can take a cold shower. as a matter of fact before the last word in the declaration is over i already regret it. and so i take a deep breath and roll my eyeballs and mumble to myself, all right, we'll see what happens. turns out it's a a sunshiny day. i have to go out, walk around, take care of a few things. after walking around under the warm and blue sky for a while i feel easy and open and happy that i had got everything done. there i am, walking down my street, and i see a very dear neighbor, ms williams's, little red bug. o, she's in the house, i think to myself. hey, why don't i knock on her door and see if i can take a shower in her house. immediately i get a response within. it's warm enough. i do see a little resistance. i watch it. it's like morning mist. damp and cold. but it burns off soon after the sun pops up. when it's my usual shower time i take a look at the late afternoon bright golden shine outside the bathroom window. i am so ready. true i am sort of dashing in and out of the shower but i do it, hairwash and all. as i dry myself i feel an invigorating sensation gently rising from within and covering the skin. just like that i am that much more connected to my own courage and strength. i feel clean on physical as well as subtle level. and that's the thing about following guidance from my inner self. all grounds are covered. it's not there's spiritual life and here's the worldly life. it's just one life.

scoop golden nectar out of compost bin

i have come to know that i can't control how grace manifests. i just have to keep an open mind and let go of expectation. case in point.  i've bee wondering where am i going to take the next shower since it will be at least another few days before there will be hot water. i know, yogis are supposed to take cold shower but that's another contemplation and whole bunch of spiritual work. suffice to say i'm not there yet. anyway i've even started sponging because hwubby is not too comfortable about me knocking on neighbors' doors and says, knock, knock, can i come take a shower? so i have completely let go of having a shower for a few days and prepared the mind for it. it's not that hard to adjust actually since i was raised where i bathed off a bucket squatting over a rough concrete floor. so there i am, my mind all set for this when hwubby bursts through my room and says, pack up, we are going to take a shower in shambhavi's place. to cut a long story short. shambhavi is this sunshine of yogini. she's a meditating butterfly. she was the stage manager of hwubby's opera production in seattle as well as a major fundraising event in san francisco. she's that kind of dream person that simply steps up to take care of what's necessary with a warm and bright smile. when the going was tough during the fundraiser event she turns to hwubby says cheerfully, i'm just into selfless service. with that the atmosphere transforms. anyway i come out of her shower, feeling clean and bright, and hearing her saying something about throwing away a mango. i say, why do you throw it away? she says, so and so says when the mango has brown spots you should throw it away. i say, where's the mango? she says, in the compost. our eyes turn in the direction of the compost bin. that fearless shambhavi, so very in the present, digs her hand deep into the bin, scoops out the mango, gives it a good rinse under the faucet, and, voila, a golden kidney-shaped nectarean fruit emerges. i begin to salivate. we get so excited. shambhavi rushes upstairs and pulls out another one which is about to go into compost. and i get to take both of them home. they are fragrant, nectarean. true, they might be a teenie bit over ripe but, hey, i am just picking bones from eggs. i have to be honest. they are, without a doubt, the best and greatest mangoes i have had in a long time. sublimely succulent. heavenly. really, i never know how grace manifests where.

if it's not one thing it's another.

here's the latest. hwubby and i come home after away for a week. and these days travel is...interesting and a lot of fun what with hauling walker and cane and hwubby being wheeled through airports. many tippings involved of course. anyway the moment we walk through the door hwubby says, something's not right. i say, yeah, i'm tired, that's not right. hwubby says, no, something's not right with the house. i say, the house always smells stuffy and musty after shuttered up for days, can we go to sleep now? good for hwubby. he stands up for his inner message. he says, no, the house is damp, very damp. i say, it's raining, the guy at the airport says it has been raining. hwubby doesn't say i am wrong. he just gently and firmly says, the house is very damp.

i try to go to sleep and all i can hear from within is, the house is damp. finally i surrender. i ask my innermost self, okay, what ought i do? a response comes right away. go to the basement. so i do. i go down to the basement. what do i see? a lot of water. to cut a long story short, turns out the hot water tank is broken. steamy water is all over the basement. of course the house is damp with a nonstop supply of hot steam suffusing a shuttered house. salutations to hwubby and his highest and innermost self. as for me, it takes a while for me to hear what i need to hear. as i reflect on it i can see the mind was veiled by resistance. and don't i know that resistance takes me right out of the present? i do. and yet...oy.

meanwhile it takes a couple of days for a plumber to come out even we plead it is emergency. really. wasting water and gas. i feel so bad about it. anyhow, anyhoo. the water and gas supplies to the water heater are off as i type this. that's the good news. bad news is there are no hot water and heat in the house. the earliest the plumber can come is, check this out, in another six days. not to mention all my meditation journals back in the days of writing them in paper and pen are drying out in the sunroom. do i feel we awful about all this? for a few moments, yes, and then it fizzles out like the specks of foam along the limp waves on a beach. hwubby says, it's not the end of the world. ain't it the truth. above and beyond i take it as an opportunity to practice stay in the present. staying in sync with ever evolving situations as they are not as what i would have liked. after all, if it's not one thing it's another. i am reminded, as i sponge myself, that this is the fundamental attribute of life, and the real and true antidote is to stay firmly connected to my own self and see what i need to see with crystal clarity without preconceived notions, opinions and habitual thoughts. and what do i hear from within? we are so fortunate. indeed. indeed. we are so fortunate. we are so fortunate. we are so fortunate.

accounts receivable. food made with love

hwubby says, grace has invited us to her house for dinner. i say, o yeah i remember her coconut rice, so fragrant. hwubby says, yeah, that's all you remember, food. i say, that's not true, i remember grace is a great person, she has a good and kind heart. hwubby says, wait till you know what's her job at the dental school. i say, what does she do? hwubby says, she's in accounts receivable for twenty-five years. now that really grabs my attention. i have experience in customer service in a newspaper agency, meaning i have to deal with, shall i say, difficult, instead of, irate, customers. and that was when i wasn't so connected with my own true nature. i took it personally. i judged and criticized those people who i thought gave me a hard time for what i thought petty things like, how come my papers are not on my front porch, my coffee is getting cold and i'm not getting my sunday papers and you made mistakes in the bill. now i can see that such situations are opportunities to practice seeing divinity in myself and the other while sorting out the tangle of mundane details.

back to the present. back to grace. so as i am sipping a juice of guava and pineapple and working through chicken, salmon, mushroom sauce over rice - a spread of food that are made with love - i ask grace, your job is kind of like what the president's, if it's not difficult it won't go to your desk, you are the last person on the line, so how do you approach it? in her calm voice and even tone grace says, with a sweet smile, listen, let them talk, and then i pick out pieces, i don't forget the goal is to collect but i want them to pay willingly. she goes on to tell me a case. to cut a long story short, she tries all that she can to move the bill dispute forward, she shows this customer what she has done and what she is going to do in a methodical and thorough manner. and then she says, this bill has been around for a very long time, it may go into third party - meaning collections - and it will damage your credit, why don't you pay it while we work with you to get to the bottom of it. surprise. the customer says yes and hands her his credit card. hwubby says, you let go of any expectation and only focus on helping him. i say, and not letting her eye off the ball as well. and that is the state of equanimity in action.

i slowly chew on the layers of wisdom and pour some more of those fantastic raspberry sauce over a nice and big bowl of ice cream and fruit salad. hunger in the body and soul are satisfied all at once. really you never know when you come in the presence of a great being who live the highest teachings.

ginger matzo ball. chow mein sandwich. tzadik.

just when i think we are not going to have a passover meal this year because we are wandering jew-neses, meaning we are traveling, things take a turn. we end up having spectacular passover food. and in the home of a tzadik, no less. why do i say joe, our host, is a tzadik? listen to this. he put up an ad to hire a dental assistant. a retired serviceman responded. the guy's training and experience was helping military doctors in the army. joe let him observe for a week. the guy said, i can do it, i want the job. joe said, how much do you want for salary. the guy gave a number. joe said, i can't do that, it's too little, you can't raise a family on that. the guy ended up working for joe for twenty-seven years. i can't take my eyes off joe as he is telling me and hwubby this. his face shines like the sun. his eyes sparkle like stars. he may be seventy-five years of age but there is this youthful vigor radiating from him. he teaches graduate students. he says, with a beaming smile, i love getting up in the morning and working with young people. joe is absolutely one of those people who says humbly and sweetly, i am not spiritual, while evidently living a righteous and full life. he walks the talk. he doesn't talk it. the rabbi says, the almighty does not require good intentions, the deed is what counts, it is what you do that matters.

now back to sue, his wife's, marvelous food. and let me not forget her friend of forty years. what's her name? i don't remember but her ginger matzo balls are forever imprinted in my consciousness. they are so good that this is all i can think of when i try to recall her name. oy, suk wah. as hwubby says, suk wah is all crazy around good food. anyhow, anyhoo, this is a lady who says with a relaxed smile, i did a small seder this year, thirty people. how many matzo balls did she make? six hundred. her mother used to make fourteen hundred just like that. how come german version of matzo ball has ginger? beats me. but it sure tastes fantastic. really kicks up that ball to lofty heights.

i am kind of dubious when i hear that there are bing cherries in the chicken. but a taste crushes my limiting thought. turns out the cherries suffuse the right balance of acid and sugar intoto the browned and red-wined baked chicken thighs and drumsticks. the sauce goes wonderfully with potato kugel. i prefer this way more than a tomato-based sauce. bright and vibrant roasted veggies complement the rich dishes perfectly. yin and yang are in balance. i almost can't stop myself from having more chicken but then i look at the sumptuously seasoned stuffed cabbage and i think to myself, why don't i have another piece of this, it's not everyday you get to have stuffed cabbage as yummm as this. besides i have to leave room for dessert. three macaroon cookies i have. fluffy and light as cloud. melts on tongue.

as i am totally preoccupied with eating tasty info fly around the dinner table. chow mein sandwich. chow mein burger. apparently the way to do it is 'chow mein without noodle.' upon first hearing my mind says, this doesn't make sense, mein is the chinese word for noodle. very quickly it makes total sense to me. take away the noodle the sandwich, or burger, is filled with stir-fried veggies and sliced meat. of course they make de-liish sandwich toppings.

i don't know if i get out of mitzrayim after a meal like this but i surely am more steeped in abundance consciousness.