second time in two weeks i have a dream that is all about the fear of getting lost. in a gist they go like this. i have planned out to dots and tees how to get to a certain place by a certain time. now the deadline is just around the corner. i am about to get on the plane or enter a building. i pull out what is supposed to be the plane ticket only to see a sheet of blank paper. i don't know what to do. or i walk through the entrance and see an entirely different layout of rooms and hallways and i don't know where to go. i dig out a cell phone, shout into it frantically and discover that the battery is gone. it's dead as can be.
the specifics of the dreams quickly fade when i awake. only the heart pounding remains. gaspy breaths. that familiar sensation of being gripped in horror. i realize this leftover tendency is no longer in the driver seat of my life. i am no longer the child who had to fend for herself and her little sister, as well as her mother. i have the inner self.