in those days and years when i couldn't even sit still for 5 min i felt this sense of desperation, like, when would i get self-realized? i would never get liberated? by the way i didn't even really know what that meant. but this much i did know for sure. i wanted perfection.
so chasing perfection outside became my life. if only i got this or that i would feel perfect, my life would be perfect. unfailingly it didn't. in fact in the midst of feverish pursuits i would hear, periodically, an inner voice that said, no, this is not it. did i ever listen? no.
now i meditate 2 hr a day. i even do 1 hr on sunday. not that some drill sargeant drags me out of bed. i want to do it. saturday evening i tell the mind, we are going to sleep in tomorrow, isn't that great? come sunday predawn i find myself coming awake, the mind clearly filled with the thought, i want to meditate.
but i am still digressing.
what i really want to note is i am just thrilled to be able to be with my inner self. will i ever get fully, totally, absolutely, irrevocably enlightened this lifetime? that is not a burning question anymore. as a matter of fact i would be so happy if i could just keep my meditation practice going strong. little by little i realize that there is so much perfection within me, the resources of all that i need to take care of anything are within me. hey, and so much laughter too.