connecting heaven and earth

just when i think i am done with the residual tendency of pride and inadequacy...boom, here they come again. my editor says, you must connect heaven and earth...as it is it feels like 2 separate books. i see a sinking feeling in the belly. i thought i had worked hard to blend them. now what? what am i going to do? how am i going to do it? i don't think i....and so on and so forth. blah blah blah.

after a little while, not days or weeks, it is clear to me that there is an inner turnaround happening within. my attention is being drawn to the sound and motion of the breath like iron dust to magnet. it's like my awareness is a giant yo-yo. but instead of getting stuck in wild swings that go nowhere the downward momentum comes to a pause at the end of a swing cycle. and then a lift appears. it takes my awareness onward and upward in a steady manner. the yo-yo string of habitual tendency is broken.

do i know what to do? nope. not yet. do i know how to get there from here? nope. not yet. but i know i will. this is what happens, and shall happen, when i stay connected to my own inner self. keep meditating, suk wah.

meditating on loneliness

for me the most awful feeling is...drum roll please...loneliness. i can't even bring myself to recall the kinds of dumb, stupid things i do out of loneliness. but what i've come to realize through the light of meditation is this lonely feeling is really a twisted expression of yearning. the yearning to be connected. the yearning for the experience of connectedness with other human beings. but here's the thing. this connectedness i am looking for can be found only within me through meditation. all the wonderful and marvelous people in the world can trigger in me a fleeting experience of it and it is not because of them. what's going on is my mind quiets down and the light of the inner self shines forth. that is the true source of the experience of connectedness. but, aiya, i don't't see it for what it is. so i keep searching for the next right, perfect person. and the cycle goes on. until i seek within.

here's the miracle. once i am able to connect with my own inner self i find it so natural to connect with others. hwubby says, yeah, because you are not needy.

what is jealousy?

during torah study rabbi lerner asks, what do you think jealousy is? this is while we are examining a torah portion about making a woman drink 'cursed' muddy water if her husband has a fit of jealousy. it doesn't matter if she has really committed adultery. i can see why women over the ages are outraged over this. but then, coming from a culture and tradition where women suspected of adultery were bound up, locked in a cage and thrown alive into water i can see why i sort of feel like, well, at least she is not drowned alive. it doesn't make the practice less humiliating, shaming and traumatic though.

i digress.

what is jealousy? i'm really grateful that my rabbi is always looking for a way to make the ancient torah relevant to me right here right now. i think jealousy has to do with feeling not enough, not good enough, not having enough. it has to do with the fear of losing control. o yes, i know these feeling so, so well. for so long i was so caught up into them, totally bought into them. not anymore. through the power of meditation i realize that the sense of enough-ness that i crave can only be found within me. i cannot find it in anyone else and in anything else. i may have the illusion that so-and-so makes me feel so great about myself. i may think if only i had this or that i would be so happy. but what really happens is when i get what i want the mind goes quiet. the light of my self shines forth. it is that light that gives me the experience of being enough, having enough. but, aiya, the experience only lasts as long as i am connected to the self and the mind thinks that to sustain the connection i have to go for more stuff, more control. meditation is the only way i know how to strengthen and purify the connection in a real, lasting way.

sacred bath ritual

i didn't meditate this morning. what happened? because i was in the ashram temple at 4 for a sacred bath ritual. to do that i had to get up and get going at 3.

as i wait outside the temple before the temple is open i take it all in. the silence is deep and beautiful. the light is low. through the glasses in the double doors i watch a beehive of activity inside. an army of sari clad beautiful women of all ages, and some men, strong and dedicated in indian outfits or suits, doing a whole range of tasks. nothing is too small to pay full attention to. stacks of trays of small cups of fresh fruit salad to be gifted to all the participants. garlands and bouquets of fresh flowers. piles of folded blankets to keep everybody warm. special chanting books for the occasion. under dim lighting and from the distance i see people doing seating, putting out lines of chairs and blanket squares to make sure as many people as possible can be seated comfortably in an orderly and easeful manner. audio equipment are set up. permeating in the atmosphere is the exquisite fragrance of devotion, experience and focus blended in perfect balance.

time and time again throughout the vedic prayers i lose grasp of the sanskrit syllables and find myself plunged into depths below the ocean of sound. there, time is not linear. we are not separate individuals. it is the experience of being and being one. when i emerge from this formless, timeless consciousness i am right back into the sacred sound ocean.

no sooner than the ritual is completed it begins to drizzle gently. in vedic beliefs this is a sign that nature, the universe, heaven and the deities are pleased with what we are offering. as i revel in the soothing sound of raindrops caressing the tarp scaffolding over us i am wrapped in this sense of bright and luminous gratitude.

i didn't sit down formally for meditation but i meditated as deep as can be in the presence of all these dedicated and selfless yogis.

meditaton keeps the lake of mind calm and clear

my inner self never ceases to amaze me. case in point. there is a person i need to reconnect. it turns out that the phone numbers and email address that i have are no good anymore. it was someone i knew at my old workplace and the workplace doesn't exist anymore either. so after a few frazzled moments i decide to do what i know how to do. i breathe in and out deep and long for a little while. the message from within is unmistakable. i will find her. the power of conviction calms me down. i watch the worry and anxiety huffing and puffing and dissipating instead of letting them tearing my mind in ten thousand directions.

fast forward several days later. at some point in meditation when i have no expectation about it whatsoever. i am just reveling in the sweet and easy breath and the soothing resonance humming through the vast consciousness when i hear one word loud and clear. livermore. i know right away what it means. i write it down while holding my meditation state in place.

later, when it comes time to take care of business, i key in the person's name and 'livermore' and...google. a phone number shows up. i call, leave a message. less than a day later i got a voice message from this person. after taking care of business she says, how do you know my home number? i say, the last time we spoke you told me you were moving to livermore. she says, i did? i don't remember, i don't tell people where i live. indeed. i don't usually ask people where they live either. somehow the question popped out of me and this piece of data got stored somewhere in my consciousness, like a coin at the bottom of a lake. once i can get the lake to be calm and clear i can see the coin when i need to see it.

that's what meditation can do. to keep the lake of mind calm and clear. so i can hear the message from the inner self and see what i need to see.

habits are neural circuitries

favorite activity. snug-cation, hold-cation, fold-cation rolled in one with hwubby before meditation. couldn't imagine nicer preparation than this. pretzel up and supple up the body.

hwubby says, it's so fascinating. i watch these negativities come up, not strong, just kind of making their way in. i can really see them for what they are. habits. old habits. i breathe in, pray to god and they go away. then they come up again. i breathe in and out, pray to god and they go away. just like that. i say, yup, where the light goes, darkness dissolves.

gone are the days when i thought once i turned away from a negative tendency it's goodbye once and for all. nope. that's not how habits work. they are neural circuitries. they don't just go away forever. but they weaken over time as i build up the meditation energy deposits and new circuitries. for instance i still see the fear of a mouse sprinting out from some unexpected corner when i walk into the kitchen. but it is no longer strong enough to control my thought, feeling, speech and action. now it is a residual habit. it's only going to get weaker and weaker unless i feed it. instead, i watch it, breathe in deep, let the light of the inner self shine through and get on with what i intend to do in the kitchen.

untangling necklace turns out to be meditation in action

as it turns out i have the opportunity to untangle a messes of wrangled fine-gold necklace. at first look, i say to myself, o, no, no way, how am i going to do this, i don't even know how to begin. here's the thing though. i no longer buy into this. i see the thought coming up. i feel the murmur of trepidation based on fear of unknown, fear of uncertainty. but i take a deep breath in and a long breath out. and i begin. i focus on what i can do in this very moment. a cautious tiny movement with a needle point poking into here. and there. i make sure i keep the breath going in a steady and slow pace. soon i am immersed in the teeny tiny movements happening in the tangle of tiny gold hoops. for a while nothing much seems to happen. a couple of times i see a whiff of whining. this is going nowhere. but i know this is residual tendency. i refuse to give in. i refuse to give up. then i see subtle stuff going on. the needle point begins to go deeper into the mess. i know it means something is loosening in there. after a while it dawns on me that now i can actually undo the clasp. this turns out to be the breakthrough moment. from then on i can gently lift up one end of the chain and carefully guide it through one tiny crevice, then another. soon the mess becomes distinctly smaller. and smaller and smaller. until it is a mess no more. just a fine chain of hoops lying flat and somewhat twisted like a braid. from here on it is a piece of cake. i lift up the necklace, now restored to its original splendor. the sense of fulfillment and contentment is beyond measure. i feel like i come out of deep meditation. truly meditation in action.

i realize in any given moment i have what it takes and i know what to do unless i am disconnected to the inner self. when i am in the river of moments in this way i move away from fear and i am taking care of what need to be taken care of properly. untangling a seemingly impossible mess starts with a gentle poke.