meditating on loneliness

for me the most awful feeling is...drum roll please...loneliness. i can't even bring myself to recall the kinds of dumb, stupid things i do out of loneliness. but what i've come to realize through the light of meditation is this lonely feeling is really a twisted expression of yearning. the yearning to be connected. the yearning for the experience of connectedness with other human beings. but here's the thing. this connectedness i am looking for can be found only within me through meditation. all the wonderful and marvelous people in the world can trigger in me a fleeting experience of it and it is not because of them. what's going on is my mind quiets down and the light of the inner self shines forth. that is the true source of the experience of connectedness. but, aiya, i don't't see it for what it is. so i keep searching for the next right, perfect person. and the cycle goes on. until i seek within.

here's the miracle. once i am able to connect with my own inner self i find it so natural to connect with others. hwubby says, yeah, because you are not needy.