drinking oil. wonder oil. mantra. japa.

photo by sonia

i have to confess. even after twenty years i really didn't have much of a relationship with the mantra om namah shivaya. until i was about to drink 180 ml of medicated sesame oil at 6.30 am on jan 1, 2013. the truth of the matter is i have always felt more naturally connected to the mantra Hamsa. fortunately my guru is totally okay with that. anyway there i am staring down into the cup of golden oil.  all i know is i am at a forkroad. either i am going to throw up or.....it is at that moment that quietly and suddenly om namah shivaya arises within. strong and clear. in another fraction of a moment i see within my guru's beaming face. we are eye to eye. i feel this surge of fearlessness steadily fill me up. i know exactly what to do. quietly i say om namah shivaya. i take a gulp. another round of mantra. another gulp. and so on and so forth. until cup is empty and my being is filled with pure golden oil and pure golden mantra.

two days later my sadhana study buddy emailed me the new year message from shri guru. what else but....mantra japa. and the mantra to focus on this year is...drum roll.... om namah shivaya.

i have to say that was such an 'ego massage' moment. i was seriously congratulating myself for being so tuned in. :)

all self-praising aside, ever since then my heart has been gushing with love for om namah shivaya. fresh love. sweet love. i would find myself loudly saying it and it is in sync with whatever emotion that is going thru me. i say om namah shivaya in an angry tone. i say om namah shivaya in a questioning tone. i say om namah shivaya in a 'whatever' tone. in a frustrated tone. in a happy tone. i say it anywhere. when i am waving flame in temple. when i am doing grocery, picking out mango and carrot. when i am drinking decaf - no, ayurveda doesn't say you shouldn't eat this or drink that, what the ancient text says is if you can digest it you can eat anything in moderation once in a while. om namah shivaya to the ancient rishis and my doctorji who follows the texts to the dots and tees, which, by the way, is why i love vaidyagrama so much.  doctorji's mantra is,'we only do what the text says.'

back from detour, suk wah. what am i talking about? o yes, the mantra om namah shivaya and snehapana, drinking oil. the mind would never be able to figure out the mechanism by which going thru this major panchakarma treatment would get me to the place of enjoying mantra repetition. but, hey, i don't know exactly how electricity works either. i can still enjoy the benefits of it. to me this is what panchkarma is about, clearing the way for me to plug into the source of divine love. let that sublime electric current flow thru me. by the way, a facebook friend says, wonder oil it is. he's right. this, ta-da, is the wonder oil treatment.  It unveils the light of the mantra. om namah shivaya

photo by nat

steam box. not sauna.

a question i frequently get is this, six weeks in india? where do you go? what do you do? sometimes i wink, smile and say, i go to a hospital, drink oil, and sit in a box. it's priceless to take in the reaction on the other person's face.

all kidding aside it never ceases to amaze me the depths and breadths of wisdom and knowledge that can be revealed in meditation. really. the rishis thousands of years ago in profound meditation see all this knowledge regarding health and wellbeing. how detailed do they see? look at this treatment. svedaa. here in vaidyagrama it is done according to ayurveda text. as authentic as it gets. check out my head. it is outside of the steam box. why? because the brain and eyes are the most sensitive organs in the body. one must not subject them to heat. then, the heat. what is the right amount of heat? according to what's prescribed in the ancient text, it should be just enough for me to break a sweat. last year i got stuck in a preconception that it has to be very hot. you know, like sauna, steam room. i kept complaining to the therapist, this is not hot enough. eventually doctorji had to come. he lightly touched my forehead and nose, examined the tiny smear of sweat and says, this is fine. yet in the back of my mind there was a teenie weenie bit of doubt. really, this is hot enough? fortunately it wasn't strong enough to impact my words and action.

anyway here i am doing the second round of sitting in the box. the mind is quiet. the body is relaxed. i have faith in the treatment, therapist and doctor. in this stillness i actually sense there is a loosening up in a deep way happening in the body. as i type this, about a month after completion of a full course of panchakarma i realize a very deeply lodged mental knot is gone. it's that unpredictable lurch of restlessness, sudden grip of impatience, out-of-nowhere roar of anguish...you get the pic. i clearly sense there is plenty of inner space that i wasn't aware before. they are pulsing sweetness, happiness, contentment, strength and so much more. just the simple sense of spaciousness lifts the spirit that much higher, expands perspective that much wider and bigger.

as the saying goes, proof is in the pudding. so i can testify that something did get pulled out. some garbage.

according to the text this is, briefly, how panchakarma works. toxins, whether from improper metabolism of food or negative thoughts, emotions and words, are stuck in cells and molecules. like stubborn stains in a cup. oil loosen them. oil also render cell walls porous and permeable. loosened toxin can then be drawn into alimentary canal, ready to be eliminated thru one of the five acts of purification. and there you have it. panchakarma. five acts of purification. sitting in the box is not an act of purification. it is part of prepping the body to be ready for the act. as a matter of fact, it takes two weeks to prepare the body, including but not only drinking oil and sitting in the steam box, for one act of purification. worth it? you bet. the even better news is, unless i keep piling on new garbage this is a lasting effect.

what other questions do i get? for example, what else did i do besides drinking oil and sitting in a box? hmmm, o yes, for one, doing puja to meenakshi, the cow. but, that's another post altogether.

love potion # 7

what do i eat during snehapana besides oil? firstly, oil here is considered medicine. as far as food goes. if and when all the oil has been digested, which is probably late afternoon to early evening, i get to have  thin congee and broth. it sounds terrible. but once the oil is in me all i focus on is frequently sip hot water and pay attention to burps. do they smell oil? o, yes, and also, do i feel hungry? i mean, literally, do i feel thunder in stomach?

last year, in my first round of panchakarma i drank oil for 3 days. this year i am upgraded. to 7 days. a sure sign that this is digging into deeper stuff. honestly on the eve before the final day i saw doubts flickering in the back of mind. i am not sure if i could do this another day. this afternoon i walked into the treatment room for a short massage and, boom, i was nauseous just from the oil particles floating in the air. it doesn’t help that i feel belly ache, ear ache, dizzy. at 8 pm hwubby took charge and beeped doctorji. dr harikrishnan came right over, literally in moments. after all his room is just a walkway from ours. by the way according to ayurveda text the relationship between doctor and patient is like father and son? what does that mean? well, father and son live under one roof. here in vaidyagrama they want authentic text so  the doctors live with their patients. this is practically a home hospital. and i have to say i am deeply moved by the way the doctors here are dedicated to provide authentic ayurveda care, to the point they either move their families to vaidyagrama or visit. the way the doctors live is what they teach us. live simply. live well. live healthy. live happy. they truly walk the talk. their strong and pure intention infuse the treatments and meds with that much more potency.

anyway back to the night before oil drinking day 7. doctorji examines and treats me. the truth is, having him by bedside, tapping up and down the belly, feeling his kind and caring presence already makes me feel better. i ask the burning question as i chew the tablets he gives me, doctorji, do you think i can make it? he says, do you want to? wow. his question reveals the light in my heart. i realize i am the one who have to take responsibility for my health. as dr ramkumar again and again says loud and clear, doctors are not healers, they are catalysts to help you to heal. if i do want to be truly healthy i have to put in some effort. there is this source of strength and courage and happiness within. the reason i am here for round two is to access that place and reclaim ownership of it. answering doctorji’s question i say, yes, i want to, i do. indeed, this is why i am here, therefore keep my eye on the purpose. the rest are just situations to take care of.

and so i surrender to the highest self, plunge into my purpose, take another 180 ml of warm golden oil with loud repetitions of om namah shivaya and the understanding that i am taking another step closer to liberation.

this also happens to be jan 1, 2013. a major puja is going on all day.

 major prasad too. look at that. rice, milk, jaggery, nuts, banana. honest to my highest self. i look at them, appreciate them, happy that i am in such a glorious puja and i am totally satisfied that i am bestowed a morsel of prasad. doctorji is right. that's how prasadam should be. every particle has absorbed the vibration of mantras and the nectar of devotion. more than worth its weight in gold.

meanwhile what about hwubby? he is super brave. on 6th day he took a full cup of 210 ml. he jokingly says, what are they going to do on 7th day? a second cup? well, no. turns out doctorji is really clever and compassionate. hwubby takes one look at the cup and says, this is a bigger cup. he looks down into the half empty cup and says, how much is this? doctorji, with a twinkle in his eyes, says, will tell you later. yeah. or else the mind will go, o me o my i don’t know if i can do 250 ml.

i must send a big bravo to hwubby. thru out snehapana he has not had any lox and bagel thought. as a matter of fact, we have been here for 3 weeks and he has not had craving for latte. i am not doing that bad either. for six days during snehapana i have had not food craving. until the last. guess what i am think obsessively about? congee. not plain white congee. i am talking about congee, chinese style. the whole host of ways that chinese do congee. chicken congee. fish congee. beef congee. squid congee. peanut congee. thousand year egg congee. nonetheless i have to applaud the power of having congee for 3 weeks. here i am talking about congee for breakfast, lunch and supper. and boiled veg. anyway, after three weeks of congee-fication even food thoughts are simpler, purer. hey, look at it this way. i’m not craving for double cheese burger or deep fried chicken or barbecue spare ribs. i consider this major progress. to arrive at this state of being is nothing to sneeze at. i mean, look at this. i would have gone to town with them not so long ago. but now i behold them with such light and lightness in me. really i taste the sweetness suffusing my being. i have a realization. this is why prasad is always sweet. it is an outer expression of the innermost self.

love potion # 6

photo by julie gammon

going thru major treatments like internal oleation is not a walk in the park, not for the faint-hearted. well, real and lasting love is not for the faint-hearted. no wonder the treatment of drinking oil is named SNEHAPANA. sneha, love. pana, drink. drinks of oil. drinks of love.

dr ramkumar says, the main treatment in panchakarma is equivalent to a major surgical procedure. seriously. it involves drawing toxin from all over the body into alimentary canal and then eliminating them. intense. just as one would experience physical discomforts in a surgical procedure, major treatment in panchakarma can involve such unpleasantness as well but they are all passing things if you follow thru with doctor’s instructions. doubt is the killer here. it gets in the way of the purification process.

a lady from moscow shares beautifully in daily satsang. she says, i was torturing doctor from day one, i compare what i had in other places, why am i not having 3 hr treatments, why is there not a lot of oil, i don’t have the pleasant feelings as i did in the other place, i want treatments like that. finally dr ramdas says, do you want good result or not? she says, yes. doctor says, then surrender. she says, what do you mean, surrender to you? doctor says, no, not surrender to me, surrender to yourself. good for her that she gets it. she stops comparing. by day six she begins to see results. that enhances her trust in the process. by the time she shares in the group she is beaming, looking light and bright.

what about my day six? last year i drank oil for 3 days. this year, 7. dr ramkumar says, is it easier this time? great question. i ponder for a moment and say, ‘deeper.’ by day 5 of drinking oil i begin to experience a piece of yogic knowledge that i have been hearing for two decades. it goes like this. as you intensify your meditation practice toxins that are lodged are loosened. they go into the circulatory system, ready to be dispelled. i have always thought that this is metaphorical. but, no. as my body is literally being saturated with oil all that hard-stuck toxin that are like hard-to-remove oven stains loosen up. since the cell walls are now more permeable because of the oil the toxins can be drawn out of the dark recesses into the alimentary canal, ready to be eliminated. it’s very physical. not just mental and emotional.

so what’s the experience like? from 5th day, really feel a lot of things floating around inside, negative thoughts, emotions but nothing sticks around long enough to gobble me up. suddenly it becomes so easy to see that there’s really nothing to worry or bother about, just things to take care of in the present. it becomes so natural to let go of expectations and outcome and just focus on the task at hand.

well, on day six of internal oleation the task at hand is to drink that cup of warm oil at 6 am. it happens to be Jan 1, 2013. i look into the golden oil. i ask doctor, ‘how many ml is this?’ not missing a beat, he says, ‘i’ll tell you later.’ if i had known there were 180 ml, could i have done it? i would but it would certainly create a little more mental hurdle. o, no, 180 ml. anyway, as it is i look at the beautiful oil and the thought that comes up is, OM NAMAH SHIVAYA. at the same time i see gurumayi’s beaming face. and that’s how i got it all down. with every gulp i say the mantra inside and hold my guru’s loving smile in attention.

by the way, two days later i received gurumayi’s 2013 new year message. mantra japa. what a moment of pure connection between my highest self and the guru within.

where am i? yes, back to love potion. drinking 180 ml of warm oil. what then? then...life becomes simple as can be outwardly. stay inside. sip hot water frequently. rest but not sleep. do burps smell oil? am i hungry?

what about inwardly? for one thing, heightened sensitivity, or shall i say, irritability. even doing japa, repeating mantra silently  with a mala is a lot of noise. at least that is from the perspective of hwubby. initially i feel ‘irritated’ when he says as much to me because, it’s like, how can that be noisy? but then i carefully recreate what i do and i see why. i place the mala on the thigh. some beads touch others. when i slip a bead through the thumb and mid-finger, there’s surely a sound produced by beads cling with one another. oy. yeah. now i feel his pain. do i feel hurt? yeah, a little, for a moment or two. but i also see that it is an old toxin, taking everything personal and blowing every petty thing into major drama. i am not saying having ear ache, belly ache, nausea are to be ignored. but the doctor is just a bell away. nothing is too trivial for them to examine and treat. everything is treatable if i pay attention to it soon enough. a couple of oil drops and wa-la, ear ache is gone. chew a tablet, pace around and nausea subsides. and so on and so forth. really. seriously. except for the truth that i am happiness, i am light, i am peaceful, all other thoughts are as fleeting as puffs of smoke. they don’t take away my self worth and they don’t add anything to my luminous self.

photos by nat

 may i continue to shed those dead skins in the year of golden snake. may those layers of ama that cover up all my lights dissolve and be dispelled. amen.

pujas and congee

photos by nat

i love pujas. i love prayers. i am a big believer of pujas and prayers. Still it is remarkable to see a hospital so fully immersed in prayers and pujas. let me be absolutely clear. this is not a spa. i’ve had treatments like abhyanga and shirodhara in a variety of places. but this is full-on, comprehensive, immersion ayurveda. from the moment i wake up to the moment i lie down in bed it is a schedule designed for my condition by the doctor. every treatment is strictly according to the ancient ayurveda text. every element of the daily schedule is purposed to support and facilitate the healing process, also according to the ancient ayurveda texts. for instance, you don’t expose yourself under the sun while going thru major treatments. oops. there goes the idea of ‘panchakarma in the morning, beach in the afternoon.’ food is not for the tongue because the digestive system has to work as little as possible. yes, that’s right, they don’t cook for the tongue and they are proud to congee-fy your meals. in fact there are days when the only thing a patient would have is...warm rice water.  anyway, the pujas and prayers are done in accordance with time-tested spiritual practices. when all these are integrated so seamlessly into this beautiful and tranquil complex that is located in the midst of a forest environment it is magic.

photo by nat

so much about panchakarma for now. back to pujas and prayers here. every one of them, big or small, long or short, involve ancient mantras and rituals for the purpose of invoking grace for healing, cleansing and purifying, from the individual level to every particle in the atmosphere, plants and buildings. all this happen on a subtle level, beyond the senses. all about vibration. it transforms the place into a magnifying glass, a high-power microscope. if you would pay attention to look through this healing microscope, you would be stunned at what is revealed, stuff inside you that you don’t even know they exist. so the doctor says, ‘welcome whatever comes up in your healing process, even the negative and unpleasant. it means your system is responding. you can’t control what the response is and how it is unfolding. for instance. second day into internal oleation, meaning drinking oil, i have this ear ache in the evening. it just comes, out of the blue. turns out this is among a wide range of responses possible during internal oleation. i let doctor know. he gives me some ear drops, says, you’ll be fine. sure enough the ache immediately lessens and totally gone in an hour.

photo by nat

in one evening satsang a lady from switzerland asks, can anyone tell me what to do when i am having all this emotional ups and downs? she illustrates with her hand moving like a roller coaster ride. i immediately say, you are very brave. she is. she is in india for the first time. she has never had any ayurveda experience. somehow she had decided to be here to do the whole thing. and to ask the question the way she does shows that she is not consumed in the emotional movement. she is watching, witnessing. as i type this, she has arrived at the final stage of the panchakarma process, ready for rebuilding the body. she looks radiant and clear. she beams. she says, 'the body is kind of weak. i'm not concerned. the strength will come. my spirit is really great. i feel i am so ready to follow my heart.'

photo by nat

have i mentioned that after six weeks of congee for breakfast, congee for lunch, congee for supper, i am so in love with congee that i plan to continue this congee thing as much as i can when i am home. the palate is so clean that i can actually taste the sublte sweetness in bitter melon. it’s thrilling. all this congee is like giving the digestive tract an abishek, holy bath. all these pujas soften and dissolve the subtle garbage polluting the body and mind. out they go and upswell our natural sweetness.

pounding. dislodging. svaha.

it is one of those days when my treatment is being oiled all over with medicated sesame oil and then pounded with hot, herbal  poultices. it feels like showers of electrifying tingles piercing deep into tissues. ayurveda text says this loosens toxins that are tightly lodged and also takes away excess water. anyway back to me. so, anyway, there i am, updating a data doc that is part of a legal matter. something catches my eyes. one of the numbers doesn’t look right. i am stunned. i couldn’t believe it. this is obviously a mistake.  at least at this point i totally believed this is a mistake. i try to recall how i made that mistake. i couldn’t think of any thing. the mind just goes wild with the thought ‘I made a huge mistake. this would not have happened if hwubby didn’t want to do this in the way he wanted. this is going to cost us a lot.’ As i type this and replay the episode like a video i see that i could have gone one way or the way. either i get stuck in this panic/blame mode or accept the mistake, take responsibility for it and roll with the punches. i choose the latter. while the mental chatter continues i stick with what’s at hand here and now, keep working on the doc, updating and correcting all the ‘mistakes’ i can find. and, o me o my am i shocked or what, there are a lot of ‘mistakes.’ i have to keep redirecting attention from being sucked into the mental whirlpool. i persevere and succeed.


once finished, i take it to hwubby, admit the mistake. needless to say he is not happy with the situation but he handles it very well. then his therapist comes to the door.  he goes away for treatment. meanwhile i notice that the mental cry has been gradually subsiding. i have come to the point where i have no problem leting go of any expectation of outcome. yes, i have made a mistake but i am not going to beat myself up about it because the mistake does not take away who i really am, the Self. i will simply keep doing the right thing according to the situation. if there’s a cost incurred because of the mistake, so be it and i’ll be responsible for it. no matter what happens i am still the Self. i feel okay about the whole thing.

when hwubby returns to the room after treatment, he says, ‘i’ve let go of it. we’ll just take care of it whatever it takes.’ so we work together and follow through with what need to be done in a calm and lighthearted manner. finally it comes to giving a title to the new doc. hwubby takes a look at the old title and says, ‘this refers to a different period. so these numbers...’ i immediately got it. all those ‘mistakes’ that i perceived are actually not mistakes at all. they are figures from a different time. and guess what. all the work we have done are exactly what we would have to do anyway.

then it’s time for my treatment. as i relish the healing scent of the herbs emanating from the poultices and the piercing showers i am tingling with the lightness that come from realizing that some entrenched negative thought pattern and conditioning are being loosened, ready and willing to go. svaha.

i am still unpacking the teachings from this episode. every episode is like a garland of buds all of which have the potential to blossom into a teaching. seriously. anyhow, on one hand i recognize there is still residual of an old tendency to default to a state where i think i am wrong when some unexpected twist happens and, boom, i am already in the blame game.  on another hand i have made much progress. i caught myself, didn’t yield to the negative force. i turned towards the light. i am definitely getting stronger and clearer. and this is only preparing the body for the actual act of extracting toxins.

a life of goodness. going in peace.

i awake in night. it is just before 3, the onset of the golden hours for meditation. for a while i lie in the velvet darkness and relish the exquisite sweetness. by the way, vaidyagrama is a hospital/ashram. the daily prayers, periodical pujas and the devotion of the people who work here have pervaded the grounds with this tranquil, beautiful energy. every particle in the atmosphere shimmers with the intention to heal, body and mind. what about the spirit? well, the spirit is ever present, ever conscious and ever pure. ayurveda says it's the boy and mind that are to be healed and this place is a high-power microscope that can reveal conditions that you were not even aware before. and, may i say, emotions and thought patterns that  are unpleasant to face.

anyhow, back to me. where am i? yes, lying in the dark.  i notice something fascinating. i have no grasp on where i am in the physical world. neither do i feel anxious to find out. there is just no need to do so. the sensation is paradoxical. i am in the middle of nowhere and yet i am everywhere. I am not of any physical location. rather, i am watching all corners while being steeped within a vast, deep space, the space of my own being. it is exquisite. it is delicious. it is quiet joy. i know this is what ‘at peace’ means. there’s nowhere else to be. there’s nothing to want. i am contented to be where and how i am. my attention rides with the gentle flow of the breath. i feel utterly free, so light, removed from cares and sorrows and pleasures and praise. i am one. i am all. adonai eloheinu. adonai echad. god is all. god is one. this is the truth. universal truth. i find the truth in the shema prayer. i find it in the vedas. above all, i find it right within my own being.

after another while i received another msg from within. email hong kong to check in.

fast forward to later in the day. a email from hong kong. my stepfather passed on. what time? about the time when i awoke. he lived a life of goodness and always doted on me,  or dare i say, indulged me. so i am not surprised that as his soul was leaving the body he so generously bestows upon me the experience of being not attached to this bag of flesh and fluids and poop. in all his 82 years he expressed his love for me through food. at the moment when he was released from this life he feeds me with the most fulfilling food, a yummy experience of tasting who i am. thanks so much, ah shuk.

and a big thank you to vaidyagrama for bestowing upon me the condition possible for me to receive it. priceless.