disconnected from inner self...a walking dead

the moment my eyelids are down when i sit down for formal meditation i'm entering the inner space while being aware of the external space. for a long, long time i really think this inner space has nothing in it and i don't think i have ever had any meditation experience. this morning something comes to me. just as the outer atmosphere is filled with something invisible called air which holds oxygen, the critical component to sustain human life, this inner space holds something even more magnificent than oxygen. the firmament of my inner self. oxygen fuels the bodily functions. the inner self juices life. disconnecting from the inner self is like a walking dead. i've been there. it's no fun.

sweet, sweet meditation

such a sweet meditation. upswell upon upswell of cool, refreshing, tingling energy from the base of spine. the hands and arms are buoyant balloons. the body is stable and comfortable in the easy lotus posture. the mind is alert. the mood is...simply swell in a quiet and even way. the day is wide open. the tasks are many. and i feel fine about everything, anything.

let them come. let them go.

just as i can't predict whether i'll dream tonight i can't predict what mental tendency will come up in meditation. this morning it's aversion. i don't like this. i don't like that. i don't like this about hwubby. i don't like that about hwubby. meanwhile the body is in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture, the breath is flowing in and out with ease. then a teaching that i'm exploring comes to me. i am a mirror. my life is a reflection on the mirror of consciousness. indeed. reflections look real but they are not real. yet they are not far from the reality. after all, i am consciousness, pure consciousness. all these reflections are passing through the body. let them come. let them go. what do i need to do? just watch them come and go from the place of 'i am.' all those reflections are grace that illumine all that which is unnecessary and must burn away.

sorry, body, i've been stuffing you up.

awake at 3. the body is still. the mind is clear and quiet. and it comes to me that for most of my life thus far i have been not giving due attention to the body. by that i don't mean obsessing with weight. i've been stuffing negative thoughts and emotions into the body. really, when i hold onto fear, anger, resentment, greed where do i think they go? they fester in the mind and the mind dwells within the body. i start to say, i'm sorry, body, i've been abusing and neglecting you. then i fall back asleep. and dream.

hwubby and i are traveling. to canada, i think, to attend a major meditation event with lots of people from all over the world participating. we have a home nearby so i think i have no problem getting ready. lord and behold, when i get to the door i see lines of people. i discover my home has been open to all people to come to get ready for the event. i walk in and see people all over the place. it is a huge place. rooms after rooms. beautiful furnishings. exquisite, vintage pieces. closets upon closets of masterfully made clothes. then i'm upset to see i can't even get into my own bathroom. i turn around and see women wearing my cherished cheongsams, chinese dresses. i look at the clock. 8.50. the event is to start 9.10. i think to myself, there's no way i can get there on time. at that point i wake up from the dream, ready to get up and meditate.

this morning's meditation i experience this sweet and close connection to the body with renewed respect. the spine feels a little bit more upright and stronger. the easy lotus posture is that much more relaxed and solid. i really have this sense that i am living in this body, and 'i am' is the inner self.

inner self is the best planner

planned to be in tahoe for 3 days. ended up 10 days. i'm not complaining. it's a heavenly place and i made progress with the rewrites. having said that i am aware of the piles of worldly tasks that await. so in this morning's meditation i have to really summon that thing called willpower, which comes from the inner self, to pull back attention from being sucked into worrying and anxious thoughts. after a while i am settled into the flow of the sound of the easy breath while watching the mental activity come and go. the outbreaths are so long and deep and releasing. each exhalation takes away a little more of the worrying tendency that is based in the sense of separateness from the inner self. i emerge from meditation knowing i am in a calm state, my true state. the body is relaxed. i see what task needs to be taken care in this moment. preparations for spiced milk, tea, lamb bone soup. as i am mortaring the spices and chopping ginger i see the essential to-do for the two weeks ahead. solid and clear. this is effortless planning.

i feel much better. thanks so much, my inner self. you're the best planner.

inner self spared me from bear scare

last day in tahoe. awake at 2.59am. part of me says, go back to sleep. another part of me says, get up, meditate and go back to sleep. i follow the latter voice because it is way stronger. the meditation is fine, complete with earplugs.

a few hours later. my fellow yogi who hosts my stay says, we had a pack of bears last night. i say, what? when? she says, first i heard coyote, then there was this rumbling that went around your side of the house before coming to outside my bedroom. i peeked. six of them. a really huge one, another big room and four cubs. i prayed they wouldn't come up the deck. they didn't and trudged to the next house. the guy next door turned on the lights, came out and shooshed them away. i say, i heard nothing. when did all this happen? she says, after 3. ahhh. i had earplugs on all that time. i was spared the scare. thanks so much, my inner self. how intelligent you are. truly awesome.

calming milk. moon dragon.

last night's sleep has the quality of what remains after running the spiced milk through a fine sieve. actually i would call it medicated milk. it has this calming power. it takes my sleep to a level that is fine and pure.

and the dream. for a long while i am looking at this dragon that has the texture of moon. a chinese dragon with all its majesty and vibrancy. it is against the bright dark night cosmos. the whole vista is truly beautiful.

all this is in my inner self.

the pure and fine quality carries over into meditation. every breath tastes like that calming milk.