cleaning out the inner world

the first day of jewish new year is also the occasion for celebrating the birth of the universe. in this simple mind, this is celebrating the birth of the physical universe as much as hailing the fresh beginning of my inner universe.

the culmination of a full day of praying and singing praises to yhvh, which, by the way, is so much fun, we are at the waters in a park, throwing pieces of challah into the running stream. what's going on here? we are tossing away whatever we want to remove from our inner world, all that which veil and block our highest vision of ourselves which is none other than the pure and powerful force of healing and transformation expressing as us in each of our unique and marvelous forms.

i know exactly what i want to throw out. impatience. unworthiness. more impatience. more unworthiness. hey, what about i just want to get up every morning to meditate no matter what? all those nagging thoughts and feelings that hold me back from getting out of bed. throw them all out. may it be so.

happy jewish new year

may i just ask one little thing of yhvh, that i will dwell in your house forever? may i only remember kindness, generosity, laughter? may i always taste your sweetness in whoever i am with and wherever i am? may i be open and quiet within so i can always hear your guidance. may it be so.

so happy to be with my spiritual study buddies

great to be back. it's so easy to experience the oneness in all when i chant and meditate with committed yogis, surrounded by gorgeous roses that are from shivaa's gardens. while chanting the vedic hymn i see the sweet and mischievous play of dusk lights on the roses and statues on shivaa's magnificent altar.

this is a fiery hymn. sure enough i sense the presence of a vibrant blaze surging in waves within me. i am not afraid of it. this is beneficial fire. quickly i see what's in the fire. anger. anger triggered in the earlier interaction with my editor. i gaze into it. it becomes clear that the fire is burning away impatience and something else is revealed. what is it? in the meditation immediately following the chant i get it. i am filled with the courage and strength to stand up to the challenge in front of me: i'm walking a path of light, i'm writing the book i want to write and who says it's easy? the only way to do it is to intensify what i'm doing with sustained discipline. have no doubt. i am equal to the challenge.

when i open my eyes coming out of meditation what do i see? a spread of divine food prepared by shivaa. as i grate nutmeg into the soup i have to be careful not to drool into it. it's hard because it's yummy and aromatic beyond measure. the mushroom stock brings everything together into a beautiful, harmonious whole. you can't see the onion paste and minced garlic but you can taste the complexity and purity in the soup. the blended carrot and turnip ground it. the baby lima beans, sweet corn add an extra dimension of richness. add a dollop of sesame pesto...the huge pot of soup is gone in no time with everybody having seconds.

what about the salad? just when we think shivaa's salads couldn't get better she breaks her own glass ceiling. slices of fresh fig, sparkles of pomegranate, roasted peanuts and blood orange bits turn a pile of green leaves into a one-dish sumptuous meal. i don't eat cold and raw but this i can't resist.

dessert is the generous and abundant shares of insights and understandings from our own experiences and reflections. i gobble them all up.

thanks everybody. lucky me indeed.

have no fear. inner self is always with me

my teacher says again and again, to this effect, go higher into your own self, deeper into your own self, you'll see things you couldn't see before. i am having a powerful experience of that. here's how it goes down. at one point it looks like it's all but certain we have to sell our house. do i panic? no. am i upset? a little but i quickly see it as passing cloud. i don't attach my self worth to anything outside of myself. period.

a few days later, a question comes up in meditation. and then another. i take these questions to see the person i trust most in this kind of matter. by the end of our dialogue i see a road map to resolve the situation. there are actually two possible ways to resolve it and they are ways we can manage. hwubby says, this is unbelievable, one moment i am all but certain we are doomed, the next moment it all works out, i couldn't believe it.

as if that's not good enough, yet another insight comes to me in this morning's meditation. i see the pathway to blend in the two ways to become the third possibility. now we have not one, not two, but three options. actually, as i am journaling i see a fourth one. talk about abundance consciousness. which one to go with? i see a sequence. i'll try one. if that doesn't work, i'll go to the next. and so on and so forth. meanwhile i'll keep a close watch and an open mind to the ever-shifting circumstances. really. have no fear. the inner self is always with me.

singing 'shree ram jay ram' in sleep

hwubby says, you sing in your sleep. i say, what do i sing? he says, shree ram jay ram jay jay ram. i am stunned and thrilled. the divine name flows out of me in the sleep state? i see this as a really fantastic marker in my progress towards full realization. may this development expands and permeates the waking state. may the sound of shree ram jay ram jay jay ram reverberate in the mind always. may i be
'stuck' and 'trapped' in the present moment. there's nowhere else i'd rather be. may it be so.

inner self guides neighborly relations. cool

this inner self of mine is really super cool. case in point. i say, i'm going to talk to the neighbors about this barking dog at night. hwubby says, how are you going to do that? totally without any thinking involved i say, definitely not confrontational, not accusatory, just sending a message. hwubby says, what message? again, without going through the mind, i hear words coming out from a place deep within: we need their help, we don't know whose dog it is, we just want to sleep. so we go to talk to one neighbor after another. we speak to three in total. all kind of located near where we think the dog's voice is from. one guy says, look, he's just a puppy, surely it's not my dog. i say, of course it's not yours, we are just trying to find a way to sleep and get some rest. he says, this person complains about her, i do this, and then that person complains about her, i do that, now tell me what do you want me to do? call animal control? i'll do it. i say, no, no, i can't tell you what to do, and i'm not complaining, we're just talking as good neighbors, we know you are doing the right thing, you're doing all you can. we thank him and move on the next one. the last person is a fiesty, elderly lady. i say to her, you've been around the block forever, you're the grande dame here, you know everything and everybody in the hood, we need help with something, there is this dog...

after we take leave, hwubby says, you handled it beautifully. i say, the message is sent, let's see what happens.

so far it has been totally quiet for one night. i go into meditation thinking, let's go to the neighbors and thank them. before i bring it up, hwubby says, do you think we should send notes to thank the neighbors? i say, absolutely, and not a word about the dog, just say they are such nice and wonderful neighbors.

give credit where credit is due. i wouldn't have behaved the way i did if i am not anchored in the calm and kindness of the inner self. the simple truth is nothing anybody says or does adds to or diminishes the fullness and greatness of my own inner self. from that state and understanding i am confident to take care of any situation with clarity and respect. thanks again, inner self.

someday i may thank the barking dog. not just yet.

hwubby asks, how's your meditation today? i say, it goes well, how's yours? he says, really good, getting clearer and clearer on who's who and what's what? true. i go into meditation today after a night of disturbed sleep. some neighbor's dog barked all night. it helps somewhat with the earplugs. i can see myself getting angry with the dog parent and the mind yelling things like, be a responsible dog parent, that's what you signed up when you decided to have a dog. blah blah blah. this would not be a good state to be in. then, as i sit through the hour-and-a-half i can see some alchemy happening little by little. the anger subsides like the morning fog. every inbreath absorbs a little bit of it. every outbreath takes away a little bit of it. by the time i'm ready to come out of mediation i know what i'm going to do. i'll go to the person who knows what's going on in the neighborhood, and actually hwubby suspects the dog belongs to one of her family members, and i'll say to her, politely and firmly, since you know everything and everyone in the hood, i need you help in something, do you know anything about this dog? it barked all night. my husband and i couldn't sleep. hwubby says, what if nobody does anything about it? i say, let's see what happens. i'm just taking care of it as it is as i see it. stay in the present. stay open. it's all i can do. as a matter of fact, it's all i need to do. what else can i do?! someday i may have to thank this barking dog for keeping me connected to my inner self. but not just yet.