i have registered my concerns. now acceptance.

indeed hwubby has made phenomenal progress in a short amount of time. under the watchful eye of therapists he can pretty much do things on his own. with a walker or wheelchair, and a simple move takes a lot. but he is what the rehab experts call 'modified independence.' by the way we both have such profound appreciation and gratitude for what the human body can do. we realize we really have been taking ennumerable miracles for granted. for instance, getting up in bed, and getting in and out of bed. wow. amazing. awesome. hwubby says, i'm learning to walk all over again. being able to cross a leg to tie shoelaces is a huge breakthrough. this is truly a miracle factory.

having said all this i still have to register my concerns with these medical professionals. without a doubt they have the most sophisticated and state-of-the-art machines and metrics to measure the observable behavior. but i know my husband. for a starter, he doesn't like hospital. days after the hit, while still in trauma ward he asked the attending trauma doc, when can i go back to california? i'm not diminishing any of the hard work he has been putting into this rehab boot camp. all i am saying is this. someone who has a corporate job being discharged into his home where he mainly relaxes is different from a self-employed person being discharged into a hospital bed placed in the center of his home office. besides the hospital doesn't have internet access except in a computer room that is pretty far away given he has to go there on a wheelchair. whereas at home is surrounded by his computer, ipad and 24/7 internet access. i say to my go-to person in the hospital, all i want from you is your word that you'll do everything human possible, within reason, of course, to make sure he is on an irreversible path to full recovery. she says, yes, of course. then, the physical therapist assures me, yes, he's ready to go home, to transition into real life. to top it off, the doctor tracks me down and spends time to hear out my concerns. he says, before coming to kaiser, i worked in the texan rehab facility where the congresswoman is. well, that says a lot.

anyway i have registered my concerns. now it's time to accept what is and take care of what is necessary in a meticulous manner.

her husband is coming home faster than she thought

kaiser rehab says hwubby can be released this saturday. hwubby believes he is ready to come home. so, why am i feeling i am about to crash? am i shrinking from what it is? true that he has been making phenomenal progress. he's now able to get in and out of bed with minimal help and someone watching over him. he can climb up six to seven steps with hand rail. he can go into and out of bathroom with minimal assistance. having said that he is in the shelter of an army of competent medical professionals who work in shifts. once home, i am the primary caregiver. we don't have grown kids who can help. i am half his size. physical strength is not my strong suit. true that many people have offered to help. so why am i still feeling overwhelmed? feeling he is coming out too soon? am i resisting? is an expectation of mine being unmet? as the medical equipment person says, her husband is coming home faster than she thought. my guru says, you are equal to the challenge, no bigger, no smaller, but equal. and she also says, trust and verify. so here's what i'm gonna do. today i go in for a full day of family training. i'll go in with an open mind. i'll make efforts to not push or over-exert and strive to be honest with what i see and how i feel. and see what happens.

i have a hunch to check email before meditation. only i new one. lois says she can help with some shopping, cooking and some shifts to give me time off. maybe this is the sign.

to be continued...

what is your secret, suk wah?

this past sabbath i was at the annual members' dinner of our shul. as always i sing and dance to the hymns welcoming and praising sabbath. i see this twenty-five hours as a temple of time, a sacred space where i can immerse in the sweetness of torah, the joy of praying, singing songs. my top fave is this two-line number that says, the entire world is a narrow bridge, and the main thing is not to fear, not to fear at all. the name of the person who wrote the song doesn't come to mind right now but i am sure it's a highly revered rabbi from several centuries ago. so every sabbath i would ask rabbi, can i have a special  request? he would unfailingly indulge me. i would feel so connected to the ancient sage whose wisdom is timeless and timely.

anyhow, i digress. at some point during the members' dinner someone comes up to me and says, what is your secret? how can you sing and dance so happily? i gaze into her. this is a very compassionate, kind and sweet person who has some very difficult situations in her life for a long time. my heart goes out to her, feels for her. i say, well, i am a meditator. she says, i am a meditator too, what's your secret? i don't know what else to say but give her a big hug. i just don't know if it's appropriate to tell her in that moment, because happiness is my true nature, i can't help it, i just take care of whatever is necessary.

i need to keep the schedule

so much going on. so much unexpected twists and turns. all the more necessary for me to keep up with the schedule of spiritual practices. i need to keep the schedule. morning meditation and guru gita are must. only then i can stabilize and strengthen the mind in the understanding and awareness of who and what i am and not getting swept into the seesaw of emotions, thoughts and feelings, within me and in others. not the least is the pressures from all directions saying, you must do this, you ought to do that, no, you are wrong, you shouldn't ask this or do that. blah blah blah. this is the opportunity to cultivate standing up and speaking up for myself in hwubby and my highest and best interests while working through the system of rules and counting our fortunes. on that note, how about this one? i come out of meditation, prepare breakfast. ginger tea and a slice of toast. this is no ordinary toast. my gracious and generous host karun makes this phenomenal bread from sprouted organic grains, incl wheat berries, rye, millet, and mung beans. the loaf is covered with flax seeds. every slice is a meal in itself. a bite into it and i feel the body say, i love it.

this pain will go away.

i like it when people are direct and don't mince words. hwubby's trauma attending physician walks into the room, says, i'm dr simon, broken ribs and kidney stones are the worst pains in the world. just like that hwubby and i are grounded into the reality as it is. he can't laugh because it is painful. a little burp triggers a spasm that is 10 on a pain scale of one to ten. i am not the one who has to go through this. yet, i have to say, this keeps coming to my mind. this will go away. this will go away. really. easy for me to say.

i want a sign and here it is.

i need a lawyer who is licensed in new york. a trusted source refers somebody to me. here's a teaching from my guru. trust and verify. i take it seriously. so i pray. please, i need a sign. and then i just keep my ears and eyes and mind open because the sign that i want may come in unexpected forms.

next day, sabbath morning, i study torah in my rabbi's house. in this particular week's torah portion yhvh lays down the first law for the israelites. observe sabbath. this is way before the tablets from mount sinai. several hours later i am home and notice there are messages on the cell. listen to this one from the new york lawyer. suk wah, i'm afraid i won't be able to return your call when you get this message, it's about fifteen minutes from sundown, and i observe sabbath. bingo. that's the sign i've been praying for. i call the guy and say, arnie, you are my lawyer and here's why.

grateful for what we don't have

hwubby and i are grateful for what we have and what we don't have. he doesn't have spinal or brain injury. he doesn't need surgery on the pelvis or anywhere. that makes him a good candidate for inpatient rehab. he doesn't have bruises on his gorgeous goose-egg face. one of the broken ribs could have pierced his lungs if it were just a couple of millimeters off. his liver is not irreversibly damaged. he doesn't lose consciousness throughout the whole hit-and-slam. he says, the moment i realize the taxi is going to slam into me i just let go, i surrender. the lawyer says, when the limbs are soft it results in less damages. that totally makes sense. when the hardness of two thousand tons of speeding steel slams into open softness it's much different from whamming and bammming into rigid, frozen fear.

we are grateful that he is alive, able to experience all this compassion and wonders and marvels showering upon him.