hwubby wrapped like a burrito for an airlift

here's one for cultivating acceptance. i spend mon, tue, wed to prepare for hwubby to have acute inpatient rehab in bellevue in new york city. my rabbi arranges an apartment that is nearby. my sister-in-law gets me snow boots, provisions. i discipline the mind for the radical shift. just when i think i am all ready to go and, boom, i'm told on thursday afternoon that they will put hwubby on an air ambulance on friday early morning and fly him back to california. why? because our hmo insurance does not cover out-of-state rehab but it covers an airlift. they can tag me along. between the two of us we can have one carry-on.

it turns out to be a sleepless night to get ready. and so it is at 7 in the morning on friday a team of medical professionals show up with a gurney. they are so competent and confidence-inspiring. they wrap up hwubby like a burrito and off we go into the freezing cold. an ambulance takes us to teeterborough in new jersey. a learjet with two co-pilots are there waiting for us with comforting smiles. it's small plane. think galley kitchen. i am all cooped up in a back corner next to piles of medical equipment. with a fuel stop in north platte, nebraska, we land in napa, california several hours later. there he is transferred into another ambulance and taken to kaiser rehab center which is just twenty minutes away.

i didn't know what to expect and it turns out better than i could have imagined. this kaiser facility is brand new, state of the art. it is beautiful and well-staffed. a friend from the ashram researches into it and, apparently, this is among the best in the world for rehab.

o, and let me not forget that while i am in nebraska i receive a call from ellie, my dear jewish sister. listen to this. she says, suk wah, i have found you a place to stay in vallejo, it is near the facility, and you can stay there for free. wow. how cared for i am.

breaks my heart to see him in such pain

i thought i have a good handle on 'attachment.' until i see hwubby in such pains. a burp sets off a screaming spasm. or it can come on just like that, involuntarily. the doctor asks him, on the scale of one to ten, what is this pain? hwubby says, nine at least. so he's been put on morphine. and that creates another kind of pain. constipation. before this happened hwubby has at least one bowel movement a day. so it breaks my heart to see him suddenly screaming in pain and i can do nothing about it.

so it is i count my great good fortune to be able to stay in a lovely, serene apartment near bellevue. i have the two bedroom apartment all to myself. now i even have a meditation room. i go into meditation today with a burning question. how am i going to walk through the eight inch of snow in l l bean shoes? but i am not worried. somehow i know the answer is within. and sure it is. soon into meditation i receive it. wrap plastic bags around feet. and so i do. i secure it midway below knee with rubber band. it works beautifully. thank you, inner self. now off i go into the famous new york snow.

hwubby in bellevue hospital

it could have been so much worse. hwubby was hit by a taxi in new york city. he was thrown into the air, dented the hood, cracked the windshield before hitting ground. pretty beat up. his attending physician in bellevue hospital says, broken ribs are the worst pain. and hwubby has a bunch of them, besides a broken clavicle, cracked pelvis, lung bruises and liver lacerations. o, yes, a broken pinkie too. but he is very, very lucky. no surgery is necessary. yes, there are bruises but none on his face. he's going through phenomenal physical pains but his mind is clear. in fact he was conscious the whole time these two thousand tons of accelerating steel hit him.

this happened last friday night. now, four days later i find myself gazing into a magical world created by a night of snow as i stand in the living room of this garden level apartment in chelsea. i just come out of a sweet meditation. it's warm quiet all around me and within me. how can i not feel safe, supported and cared for when there have been abundant loving help streaming in everywhere through everyone that i cross path with. as my guru says again, all this is grace, all this is grace, all this is grace.

i couldn't have created a better set up to cultivate what i want to cultivate. patience. and so i feel grateful and tranquil, deeply tranquil.

by what light do we see in dream?

there's a recurring meditation experience that i have been trying to put it into words. actually it's also something about dreams as well. since i have to start somewhere, and, by the way, isn't it true of anything we have to take care of and we don't quite know where to begin, just start somewhere, do something, right now. anyhow. let me try. i meditate in darkness. i even blindfold the eyes. so how comes in the world of closed eyes, i sense, or, more accurately, see, with the closed eyes, this darkness with such luminosity? take this morning, for instance, the moment i close the eyes, there's this incredible expanse of greenish-white brilliance shining over the physical darkness. it's like i am looking at the darkness through a spotlight that is larger than the inner being. meanwhile i am aware of the contours and confines of the physical body. yet the inner being and this field of light don't seem to have any limits. so is this light in the body? or is the body immersed in this light? at this point, the mind can't take it. it says, too much. so i let the thought thread pause at this one. i go to sleep in darkness. so by what lights do i see those vibrant colors, vivid shapes and forms in dreams? where do all those lights in the dream world come from?

for the remainder of the meditation i just revel in the deliciousness of the easy breath which, by the way, is naturally deepening and lengthening. as i sense i am emerging like a diver coming up gradually from the ocean depths i hear this. the light of pure awareness. bingo. that's it. in those moments i am in touch with the light of pure consciousness by which physical darkness is illumined and dreams are lit up. and i own all of that. wow. 

luminosity of darkness. 1099-misc

i am stepping up my daily spiritual practices with a couple of things. double the time of singing aum to about thirty minutes. for the last couple of years i've been doing thirty-six rounds according to the number of pearls on the necklace i use as a counter. that's about fifteen minutes. now i double the effort. secondly i meditate before going to bed.

whoa. wow. on the first night i dream. it's like i watch the dream with a different prescription. it's so much brighter. the colors are more vibrant. the contours of shapes and forms are incredibly sharper. at one point someone shows me the details of an elaborate wreath that is made of fresh lush green leaves. i can feel the life pulsing in the leaf veins. in another scene, an adorable, chubbo-chubbo toddler comes to my embrace. the amazing life throbbing beneath her translucent, egg-white smooth, peachy complexion is irresistible. since then it's been like that every night. what about the morning meditation with the thirty minutes of aum singing? how about this? the mind plunges into this bright, quiet, open space with the lingering resonance of the last round. sweet warmth oozes from deep within into the limbs, all the way to the fingertips. the sensation of fullness is exquisite. i'm absorbed in awe and wonder at the luminosity of darkness. there's truly nowhere else i'd rather be than in my own being.

then, check this out. as i emerge from the depths of this vast world of black light i hear this crystal clear. 1099. my inner self really never ceases to amaze me. this is the time of the year to start looking into who to send 1099-misc to. after initial moments of lurking anxiety, which i am aware that it is residual tendency, the inner self instructs step by step what to do about it. there you have it. lofty, mystical experience together with the most practical stuff all rolled into one sitting. can't get better than this. so thrilling.

a lot of hwubby to keep up with

no lacking opportunity to cultivate more patience. check this one out. hwubby is to catch a plane that depart at seven twenty in the morning. days prior he says, i'll pack light. when i go to bed the night before after nine the hallway is still littered with stuff and an empty suitcase. what i can do i have already done. his day's travel food, essential food items and vitamins. what about his wardrobe? well, let me put it this way. he is a spontaneous guy and he has specific tastes in style.

anyhow i awake when he drops into bed. it's a quarter to one. i say, as i see the suitcase still empty in the hallway when i am on my way to pee, what time do you have to leave the house? i am holding back the impulse to say, why are you still not packed? the inner self is signaling me, drop it, leave it, let him be responsible for his own actions. so i follow the prompting. i just say, i'll get up at five. he says, i'll be up by then, i'll wake you up. fine. what happens then? i dream a vivid, bright, fantastic dream. when i emerge from it it is about the same moment he sits up on his side of the bed. i ask, what time is it? after a moment i hear him say, o, no, it's eight after five. boom. we are instantly awake. i hold the burning question until he is about to step out of the house a couple of minutes after six. you didn't hear the alarm go off? he says, yeah, i must have slept through it.

he leaves the house with these. a suitcase to check in, a super heavy tumi briefcase all expanded, a tote bag of food and his l. l. beans shoes stuffed right on top of his lunch and snacks. he says, i just checked, it's snowing in new york. well, really, surprise. all this while i am hovering quietly downstairs, preparing his morning drinks, repacking certain items according to his instructions, and only sparingly asking, as calmly as i can, where are you at? and i make sure i don't announce the time. why? firstly he would say, i am aware of the time, you don't need to remind me. secondly the inner self says, just focus on the task at hand, get him out of the house, and he'll be out at whatever time he'll be out.

aaah. the subtle effect of the tendency to control. bingo. once i recognize it's my tendency to control all that would have irritated and annoyed and agitated me don't irritate, annoy nor agitate me anymore. i just stay firmly in the space of attentive watchfulness.

anyhow, to finish off counting his luggage, there is a fourth bag filled with magazines, newspapers, clippings, envelopes, greeting cards, etc. why? what? how come? all these questions jump around in my mind. the inner self says, forget it, just keep quiet, suk wah.

then he spends a few more moments sorting through a separate pile of cards, clippings. i wait patiently. yes. patiently. i experience this simple quiet as i stand there watching his head lowered in a pondering mode. and i remember this. he came home yesterday from lunch all excited. he handed me a package and said, i got this for you. it's a pink, silk, hand-painted scarf. the woman he had lunch was wearing a similar one in a different color. so he went to the store, and got this one, and before i could say anything, he says something that he knows it's close and dear to my heart, i got the guy at the store to give me a big discount. i stare into his head of beautiful curls and know this. this is a man who loves me, cares about me, thinks about me all the time, asks himself, does wify like this? does this look good on wify? just like that my whole being is infused with a gently sweetness while finally he he raises his head. i gaze into his goose-egged face and big eyes, feel this sweet relief as he hands a card and envelope to me and says, put this one into the plastic folder. and so i do.

of course this whole mishegas - o how i love this yiddish word. it sounds so much sweeter and more adorable than insanity, craziness, madness - won't end without his favorite activity. returning to knock feverishly on the door because, in his words, i forget one thing. usually this would happen two times at least. ultimately, finally, we kiss and i rub blessings over his head and then he's gone. no second return. what an improvement on his part. incremental is good.

six fifteen. a few moments earlier i hear my inner self say, i know what you want to ask, don't even think about it. i swallow the question. now i turn it into a prayer. may you catch the plane and if you don't it's just the way it is, not the end of the world. anyway, at six fifty, i call him. just to wish him a safe flight. he says, i'm on the bus to the airport. i couldn't help it anymore. i hear the words flow out. are you going to make it? he says, o, yeah. all right. we'll see.

seven twenty two. i think to myself, i'll call him. if he doesn't pick up the phone he's on the plane. o, no. he picks up. my heart skips a beat and sinks into the brief pause on the other end until he says, i'm on the plane and i met this multi-millionaire on the bus. what else can i say but, great, it's so great. indeed, in the end it's all great. i just have to keep remembering that in the roller coaster ride of the moment. having said that, whoa, it's a lot of hwubby to keep up with.

new year resolve. patience

i knew exactly what i really want to cultivate in this year when year end was approaching. patience. my guru says again and again, with patience you attain everything. yet, i dare say, this is the one thing that's been really dragging my feet in so many ways and i don't even recognize i am acting, thinking or speaking out of impatience until way after. i heard about patience of course. but when i was in twenties, patience sounded so...boring, dull, so...not exciting. well, equipped with spiritual awakening and eighteen years of spiritual practices i have come to have a whole new reverence and affection for patience. therefore i resolve this year to cultivate patience. i say to my inner self and the universal self, here i am, i am ready.

be careful of what i wish for. i might just get it. check this out. on the first day of new year my prayer is answered big time. i am presented with one opportunity after another just for that. here it's how the day goes. we are staying in sebastopol. i say, i want to go to torah study. hwubby says, sure, do you want to daven - praying in hebrew - with the rabbi? i say, of course. he says, sure. a little while later, he says, o, we'll leave at seven fifteen, we'll go to burlingame to pick up robin, she's in a retreat in the mercy center, we'll drop her off at the airport, the mercy center is just ten minutes from the airport. robin is a dear, dear friend and hwubby always wants to give a ride because he says, you know, you don't drive, many people give you ride, and that's a big help and comfort to me, so why don't i help someone when i can. it all sounds so sweet and wonderful that i think, suk wah, hold down your stingy, selfish self and keep your big, fat mouth shut.

the way it turns out, the morning goes like this. according to his plan we are supposed to leave by seven fifteen. by eight we start to load up the car and i don't want to count the amount of bags the bernsteins have when we go away for two nights. suffices to say he has brought a arts and crafts store along. once we are on the road we have to stop because we spot a bagel shop that is open on new year day morning. he says, i have to have my lox and bagel. fast forward. it's nine thirty. he is supposed to be at the mercy center at nine fifteen. we are, according to him, will be late, probably about half an hour. half an hour later. he calls the mercy center again and leaves a message for robin, saying that we'll be yet another ten to fifteen minutes late and if robin thinks she doesn't want to wait she should get a cab. in the end, that's what robin chooses to do. in hwubby's words, this is better because i don't want robin to get into a panic coming out of a silence retreat. all this while i focus attention and awareness on the sound and movement of the easy breath as much as i can.

a few hours later, at our house's front door. he can't find the house key. he says, i think i must have left it at the rabbi's house when i was repacking. i really want to ask him, why did you have to repack in the rabbi's house? i take a deep breath and zip the lips.

om namaah shivaaya. i have a full plate of spiritual work all set up.