rudram. in light. no darkness.

how do you kick out negativity? the ancient yogis find this out thousand of years of go. you don't chase away darkness. you can't. actually, you can if you have that kind of spiritual strength to just drop it. but if you can't, like me, you can turn on the light, you know, like turn the switch on and darkness disappears, just like that. i have always liked this metaphor but it's kind of like a nice story. i don't own it. now i do. what happens is this. i find my attention being tossed around relentlessly in tornadoes of negativity as a result of the birthday attack. all i can hang on to with my dear life is this. don't fight it. duck into the breath. but even that proves to be difficult. i am being sucked again and again out of the breath flow. really. inner work is demanding and exhausting. anyway when i finally gather enough strength to sit down to meditate, it's a breeze to sit through an hour. i realize i am reaping the fruit borne out of years of regular practice. as i stand up from the meditation mat i feel drawn to chanting rudram. so i do. i turn up the volume. vivek, the brahmin priest's voice fills and resounds in my meditation closet. very quickly i can see something happening in my voice. i start off weak and thin and low. before i know it i hear my voice getting brighter and brighter, stronger and stronger, clearer and clearer. it just happens. i honestly am not doing anything consciously to make it the way it is going. the garland of sounds fills up all the nooks and crannies and crevices in the body and mind. really. there is not an iota of space for negativity. impossible to find darkness in a light filled space.

by what light do we see in dream?

there's a recurring meditation experience that i have been trying to put it into words. actually it's also something about dreams as well. since i have to start somewhere, and, by the way, isn't it true of anything we have to take care of and we don't quite know where to begin, just start somewhere, do something, right now. anyhow. let me try. i meditate in darkness. i even blindfold the eyes. so how comes in the world of closed eyes, i sense, or, more accurately, see, with the closed eyes, this darkness with such luminosity? take this morning, for instance, the moment i close the eyes, there's this incredible expanse of greenish-white brilliance shining over the physical darkness. it's like i am looking at the darkness through a spotlight that is larger than the inner being. meanwhile i am aware of the contours and confines of the physical body. yet the inner being and this field of light don't seem to have any limits. so is this light in the body? or is the body immersed in this light? at this point, the mind can't take it. it says, too much. so i let the thought thread pause at this one. i go to sleep in darkness. so by what lights do i see those vibrant colors, vivid shapes and forms in dreams? where do all those lights in the dream world come from?

for the remainder of the meditation i just revel in the deliciousness of the easy breath which, by the way, is naturally deepening and lengthening. as i sense i am emerging like a diver coming up gradually from the ocean depths i hear this. the light of pure awareness. bingo. that's it. in those moments i am in touch with the light of pure consciousness by which physical darkness is illumined and dreams are lit up. and i own all of that. wow.