say no to guilt

a sleepless night. totally worth it. begins with trying to call my mother in hong kong but no answer and ending with actually getting her on the phone. in between i'm lying eyes closed, awake and alert, in california, an ocean away, and ferocious bombs of guilt exploding inside. it's the umpteenth time that this has happened but this time is different. i'm watching this old guilt trying to take a toehold in the inner world instead of gripping me by the throat in an instant before i could have any chance of exercising any free will. what it is doing is attacking on the periphery while my awareness is sheltered safe and sound in a vast inner world of quiet strength.

by the time my mother answers her cellphone as she is walking through a busy, crowded, noisy street in hong kong on the evening of mid-autumn festival, the equivalent of thanksgiving, i'm immersed in this understanding: our interactions are no longer about who is right, who has owed what to whom at how much, who has hurt whom when and how. i greeted her and let her speak. she couldn't hear a word from me anyway, a combination of her poor hearing, the noisy surrounding and her incapacity to listen with an open mind. and, hey, who am i to judge, i'm not the master of listening with an open mind either. anyhow, i gave up any expectation that she would stop any time soon. i didn't interrupt. i didn't correct her when i thought she was inaccurate or wrong. i simply made sounds of acknowledgment periodically...huh....huh...huh. so i was pleasantly surprised when she said, all right, it's enough talk for this time. and in between i actually noticed a gradual shift in her tone, a softening, a gentle sweetness emerging.

i hung up feeling a lightness in my being, something lifted. i realize what had happened. i refused to feel guilty, i was following through with the vow to pay whatever price. i said no to guilt and said yes to dignity and respect, both towards her inner self as well as mine.