panchakarma sets new baseline

photo by nat

hwubby has this one line response when people ask him, what does panchakarma do for you? he says, panchakarma sets a new baseline for how healthy and well i can be. so, simple. i like it, i hear the ring of truth in it but i don't really get what it means for me. now i do. here's what happened. for last two days i was in a full-immersion meditation retreat in ashram. by the way while i was meditating 7 hrs a day and chanting om namah shivaya several more hwubby was in stockton having a grand time in a glorious music festival. i was invited as well. it was a wonderful and tantalizing event but my heart just can't say no to  being able to meditate in deep silence with fellow meditators, drink and eat and breathe the sound of om namah shivaya. never ceases to amaze me that i would have such an unconditionally supportive hwubby. om namah shivaya indeed.

anyway, what am i supposed to be talking about? right, panchakarma, new baseline. from the get go let me pat myself on the back by saying i do have a pretty strong meditation practice. i thought i was doing really well, having all this marvelous connection with my innermost and highest self, fantastic insights, beautiful visions and so on and so forth. but, wow, my experiences in these last two days have been like, looking at  wall-to-wall high def screen....no, better yet, retina display, no pixel can be detected whatsoever, after watching a good quality one for a long time. it was excellent before but now it is off the charts clear, vibrant. another metaphor is this. looking into golden gate bridge from east bay after a huge storm when the air is squeaky clean, dust free. and, believe me, i had a few 'sky is so clear that i can see forever' moments before.

i can say that i was basking pretty much in this abundant state of consciousness the entire two days.  the truly stunning thing is it feels so natural, so easy, that i am really surprised that i didn't feel this way before, like, how did i live before this. i can truly see through inner eye that the qualities such as joy, courage, strength, steadfastness and many more are not stuff that i have to look for outside of me. there is this greatness shining inside me, this cosmic mansion that is bright as a thousand suns glowing in my center. like cloud activity that is constant in the sky, mental activity brewing from deep-seated tendencies come and go, form and dissolve. but they are not me. i am that cosmic mansion that is always shining. boundless. untouched. unchanged. i am within that and that is within me.

photo by nat

i have no idea how panchakarma works to help get me to this place but i can say for sure it has somehow dissolved that deep-seated tendency to worry. well, i shouldn't say that so soon but the tendency to worry has definitely much, much weakened, so much so that i can relatively effortlessly choose not to let it get in the driver seat of my thoughts, speech and emotions. now, for me, that is true freedom. it's like wonder oil has cleansed the lens of worry-dust through which i perceive the world.

in another few hours it will be time to commemorate passover, when the jewish people were led out of the narrow land through divine guidance. welcome to pesach, suk wah. it's time to move out of narrow consciousness for good. worrying is not what i am made of. believing otherwise is ignorance. and somehow the ancient sages in their profound meditation they saw that. what's even more astonishing is that they could see that panchakarma, with all that oil drinking, could play a role in dissolving this malignant tumor. this is why ayurveda text says the true goal of panchakarma is moksha, liberation.

(TOOK A PAUSE TO MAKE VEG FOR 50+ PEOPLE TONIGHT.)

photo by nat

as i was preparing food for tonight's seder i remember a recurring image that came to me in meditation in the last two days. it goes like this. i am looking out from a moving car's window. place is new york city. fifth avenue? well, wherever fendi the store is. for my friends in india, fendi is this long-time institution in italy this is widely regarded as among the top best in designing and making fur. anyway one garment in the display window absolutely catches my eye. i see it in meditations no less clear than i saw it then. a snow white, beautifully made hoodie. i love a nice hoodie, especially a nice and white one like that. this one has a special elegance that is beyond words. it is then that it dawns on me that this one is made of mink. a white mink hoodie. now that's what i call truly quietly expensive. what was i thinking at that moment? it goes like this. no, i couldn't afford that and even if i could it's crazy to spend that kind of money on a hoodie. what am i thinking when i see it in meditations? firstly, i don't need another hoodie. secondly, i see that those thoughts came from poverty consciousness that foments unworthiness, worry and their relatives. once i get this i look at this object with a new eye. i appreciate its beauty, craftsmanship and boldness. i have a strong sense that i already own it.

so, let me say it and say it again with a delightful yiddish flavor. let me get my tuchas out of mitzrayim already. dayenu. dayenu. may it be so.

photo by nat

    

love potion # 7

what do i eat during snehapana besides oil? firstly, oil here is considered medicine. as far as food goes. if and when all the oil has been digested, which is probably late afternoon to early evening, i get to have  thin congee and broth. it sounds terrible. but once the oil is in me all i focus on is frequently sip hot water and pay attention to burps. do they smell oil? o, yes, and also, do i feel hungry? i mean, literally, do i feel thunder in stomach?

last year, in my first round of panchakarma i drank oil for 3 days. this year i am upgraded. to 7 days. a sure sign that this is digging into deeper stuff. honestly on the eve before the final day i saw doubts flickering in the back of mind. i am not sure if i could do this another day. this afternoon i walked into the treatment room for a short massage and, boom, i was nauseous just from the oil particles floating in the air. it doesn’t help that i feel belly ache, ear ache, dizzy. at 8 pm hwubby took charge and beeped doctorji. dr harikrishnan came right over, literally in moments. after all his room is just a walkway from ours. by the way according to ayurveda text the relationship between doctor and patient is like father and son? what does that mean? well, father and son live under one roof. here in vaidyagrama they want authentic text so  the doctors live with their patients. this is practically a home hospital. and i have to say i am deeply moved by the way the doctors here are dedicated to provide authentic ayurveda care, to the point they either move their families to vaidyagrama or visit. the way the doctors live is what they teach us. live simply. live well. live healthy. live happy. they truly walk the talk. their strong and pure intention infuse the treatments and meds with that much more potency.

anyway back to the night before oil drinking day 7. doctorji examines and treats me. the truth is, having him by bedside, tapping up and down the belly, feeling his kind and caring presence already makes me feel better. i ask the burning question as i chew the tablets he gives me, doctorji, do you think i can make it? he says, do you want to? wow. his question reveals the light in my heart. i realize i am the one who have to take responsibility for my health. as dr ramkumar again and again says loud and clear, doctors are not healers, they are catalysts to help you to heal. if i do want to be truly healthy i have to put in some effort. there is this source of strength and courage and happiness within. the reason i am here for round two is to access that place and reclaim ownership of it. answering doctorji’s question i say, yes, i want to, i do. indeed, this is why i am here, therefore keep my eye on the purpose. the rest are just situations to take care of.

and so i surrender to the highest self, plunge into my purpose, take another 180 ml of warm golden oil with loud repetitions of om namah shivaya and the understanding that i am taking another step closer to liberation.

this also happens to be jan 1, 2013. a major puja is going on all day.

 major prasad too. look at that. rice, milk, jaggery, nuts, banana. honest to my highest self. i look at them, appreciate them, happy that i am in such a glorious puja and i am totally satisfied that i am bestowed a morsel of prasad. doctorji is right. that's how prasadam should be. every particle has absorbed the vibration of mantras and the nectar of devotion. more than worth its weight in gold.

meanwhile what about hwubby? he is super brave. on 6th day he took a full cup of 210 ml. he jokingly says, what are they going to do on 7th day? a second cup? well, no. turns out doctorji is really clever and compassionate. hwubby takes one look at the cup and says, this is a bigger cup. he looks down into the half empty cup and says, how much is this? doctorji, with a twinkle in his eyes, says, will tell you later. yeah. or else the mind will go, o me o my i don’t know if i can do 250 ml.

i must send a big bravo to hwubby. thru out snehapana he has not had any lox and bagel thought. as a matter of fact, we have been here for 3 weeks and he has not had craving for latte. i am not doing that bad either. for six days during snehapana i have had not food craving. until the last. guess what i am think obsessively about? congee. not plain white congee. i am talking about congee, chinese style. the whole host of ways that chinese do congee. chicken congee. fish congee. beef congee. squid congee. peanut congee. thousand year egg congee. nonetheless i have to applaud the power of having congee for 3 weeks. here i am talking about congee for breakfast, lunch and supper. and boiled veg. anyway, after three weeks of congee-fication even food thoughts are simpler, purer. hey, look at it this way. i’m not craving for double cheese burger or deep fried chicken or barbecue spare ribs. i consider this major progress. to arrive at this state of being is nothing to sneeze at. i mean, look at this. i would have gone to town with them not so long ago. but now i behold them with such light and lightness in me. really i taste the sweetness suffusing my being. i have a realization. this is why prasad is always sweet. it is an outer expression of the innermost self.

what's this sadness all about?

i skipped meditation for a day. how did that happen? i awake around four and find myself suffused in sadness. something that has not happened in a long, long while. good news is i am looking into it and know that i am not it. the first question that comes through me is, what is this about? though i know that it has nothing to do with my great self something from within signals me to look a little deeper. i don't know how much time has gone by before i become aware of what's going on. the finale of a novel i've been reading. actually, to be more accurate, it's a soap opera about a family of jews in pre-war poland. the book ends with the main character choosing to stay in warsaw soon after bombing began. he could have run away the way he had run away from everything all his life thus far. god. family. wife, actually wives. children. and yet, in the midst of ruins and chaos he chose to stay for his daughter and family. when asked why, he simply said, i want to die. given what little i know about history i get chills from guessing what's their outcome. he would have gotten what he wanted. the last words of the book are 'death is messiah.' when i read this line, i didn't get it.

in predawn darkness i breathe in deep and breathe out long. i let go of the sense of time passing. i allow myself to be with the sadness. i guess that's what 'face to face' means. i ask, what am i to learn from you? then i recall something from earlier in the book. the author, i b singer, says, to the effect, this person has forsaken god. he is pretty much dead. getting drowned in doubt. having women drawn to him brought fleeting flesh pleasures. from this perspective i can understand his desire to die and thus his choice. i resonate with his misery and suffering.

i tell hwubby what's on my mind. he says, well, there's a sad part in your book too. hmm. interesting.
food for contemplation.

i drift off to sleep and come out fresh and bright, ready for yet another beautiful day.