pujas and congee

photos by nat

i love pujas. i love prayers. i am a big believer of pujas and prayers. Still it is remarkable to see a hospital so fully immersed in prayers and pujas. let me be absolutely clear. this is not a spa. i’ve had treatments like abhyanga and shirodhara in a variety of places. but this is full-on, comprehensive, immersion ayurveda. from the moment i wake up to the moment i lie down in bed it is a schedule designed for my condition by the doctor. every treatment is strictly according to the ancient ayurveda text. every element of the daily schedule is purposed to support and facilitate the healing process, also according to the ancient ayurveda texts. for instance, you don’t expose yourself under the sun while going thru major treatments. oops. there goes the idea of ‘panchakarma in the morning, beach in the afternoon.’ food is not for the tongue because the digestive system has to work as little as possible. yes, that’s right, they don’t cook for the tongue and they are proud to congee-fy your meals. in fact there are days when the only thing a patient would have is...warm rice water.  anyway, the pujas and prayers are done in accordance with time-tested spiritual practices. when all these are integrated so seamlessly into this beautiful and tranquil complex that is located in the midst of a forest environment it is magic.

photo by nat

so much about panchakarma for now. back to pujas and prayers here. every one of them, big or small, long or short, involve ancient mantras and rituals for the purpose of invoking grace for healing, cleansing and purifying, from the individual level to every particle in the atmosphere, plants and buildings. all this happen on a subtle level, beyond the senses. all about vibration. it transforms the place into a magnifying glass, a high-power microscope. if you would pay attention to look through this healing microscope, you would be stunned at what is revealed, stuff inside you that you don’t even know they exist. so the doctor says, ‘welcome whatever comes up in your healing process, even the negative and unpleasant. it means your system is responding. you can’t control what the response is and how it is unfolding. for instance. second day into internal oleation, meaning drinking oil, i have this ear ache in the evening. it just comes, out of the blue. turns out this is among a wide range of responses possible during internal oleation. i let doctor know. he gives me some ear drops, says, you’ll be fine. sure enough the ache immediately lessens and totally gone in an hour.

photo by nat

in one evening satsang a lady from switzerland asks, can anyone tell me what to do when i am having all this emotional ups and downs? she illustrates with her hand moving like a roller coaster ride. i immediately say, you are very brave. she is. she is in india for the first time. she has never had any ayurveda experience. somehow she had decided to be here to do the whole thing. and to ask the question the way she does shows that she is not consumed in the emotional movement. she is watching, witnessing. as i type this, she has arrived at the final stage of the panchakarma process, ready for rebuilding the body. she looks radiant and clear. she beams. she says, 'the body is kind of weak. i'm not concerned. the strength will come. my spirit is really great. i feel i am so ready to follow my heart.'

photo by nat

have i mentioned that after six weeks of congee for breakfast, congee for lunch, congee for supper, i am so in love with congee that i plan to continue this congee thing as much as i can when i am home. the palate is so clean that i can actually taste the sublte sweetness in bitter melon. it’s thrilling. all this congee is like giving the digestive tract an abishek, holy bath. all these pujas soften and dissolve the subtle garbage polluting the body and mind. out they go and upswell our natural sweetness.

pounding. dislodging. svaha.

it is one of those days when my treatment is being oiled all over with medicated sesame oil and then pounded with hot, herbal  poultices. it feels like showers of electrifying tingles piercing deep into tissues. ayurveda text says this loosens toxins that are tightly lodged and also takes away excess water. anyway back to me. so, anyway, there i am, updating a data doc that is part of a legal matter. something catches my eyes. one of the numbers doesn’t look right. i am stunned. i couldn’t believe it. this is obviously a mistake.  at least at this point i totally believed this is a mistake. i try to recall how i made that mistake. i couldn’t think of any thing. the mind just goes wild with the thought ‘I made a huge mistake. this would not have happened if hwubby didn’t want to do this in the way he wanted. this is going to cost us a lot.’ As i type this and replay the episode like a video i see that i could have gone one way or the way. either i get stuck in this panic/blame mode or accept the mistake, take responsibility for it and roll with the punches. i choose the latter. while the mental chatter continues i stick with what’s at hand here and now, keep working on the doc, updating and correcting all the ‘mistakes’ i can find. and, o me o my am i shocked or what, there are a lot of ‘mistakes.’ i have to keep redirecting attention from being sucked into the mental whirlpool. i persevere and succeed.


once finished, i take it to hwubby, admit the mistake. needless to say he is not happy with the situation but he handles it very well. then his therapist comes to the door.  he goes away for treatment. meanwhile i notice that the mental cry has been gradually subsiding. i have come to the point where i have no problem leting go of any expectation of outcome. yes, i have made a mistake but i am not going to beat myself up about it because the mistake does not take away who i really am, the Self. i will simply keep doing the right thing according to the situation. if there’s a cost incurred because of the mistake, so be it and i’ll be responsible for it. no matter what happens i am still the Self. i feel okay about the whole thing.

when hwubby returns to the room after treatment, he says, ‘i’ve let go of it. we’ll just take care of it whatever it takes.’ so we work together and follow through with what need to be done in a calm and lighthearted manner. finally it comes to giving a title to the new doc. hwubby takes a look at the old title and says, ‘this refers to a different period. so these numbers...’ i immediately got it. all those ‘mistakes’ that i perceived are actually not mistakes at all. they are figures from a different time. and guess what. all the work we have done are exactly what we would have to do anyway.

then it’s time for my treatment. as i relish the healing scent of the herbs emanating from the poultices and the piercing showers i am tingling with the lightness that come from realizing that some entrenched negative thought pattern and conditioning are being loosened, ready and willing to go. svaha.

i am still unpacking the teachings from this episode. every episode is like a garland of buds all of which have the potential to blossom into a teaching. seriously. anyhow, on one hand i recognize there is still residual of an old tendency to default to a state where i think i am wrong when some unexpected twist happens and, boom, i am already in the blame game.  on another hand i have made much progress. i caught myself, didn’t yield to the negative force. i turned towards the light. i am definitely getting stronger and clearer. and this is only preparing the body for the actual act of extracting toxins.

a life of goodness. going in peace.

i awake in night. it is just before 3, the onset of the golden hours for meditation. for a while i lie in the velvet darkness and relish the exquisite sweetness. by the way, vaidyagrama is a hospital/ashram. the daily prayers, periodical pujas and the devotion of the people who work here have pervaded the grounds with this tranquil, beautiful energy. every particle in the atmosphere shimmers with the intention to heal, body and mind. what about the spirit? well, the spirit is ever present, ever conscious and ever pure. ayurveda says it's the boy and mind that are to be healed and this place is a high-power microscope that can reveal conditions that you were not even aware before. and, may i say, emotions and thought patterns that  are unpleasant to face.

anyhow, back to me. where am i? yes, lying in the dark.  i notice something fascinating. i have no grasp on where i am in the physical world. neither do i feel anxious to find out. there is just no need to do so. the sensation is paradoxical. i am in the middle of nowhere and yet i am everywhere. I am not of any physical location. rather, i am watching all corners while being steeped within a vast, deep space, the space of my own being. it is exquisite. it is delicious. it is quiet joy. i know this is what ‘at peace’ means. there’s nowhere else to be. there’s nothing to want. i am contented to be where and how i am. my attention rides with the gentle flow of the breath. i feel utterly free, so light, removed from cares and sorrows and pleasures and praise. i am one. i am all. adonai eloheinu. adonai echad. god is all. god is one. this is the truth. universal truth. i find the truth in the shema prayer. i find it in the vedas. above all, i find it right within my own being.

after another while i received another msg from within. email hong kong to check in.

fast forward to later in the day. a email from hong kong. my stepfather passed on. what time? about the time when i awoke. he lived a life of goodness and always doted on me,  or dare i say, indulged me. so i am not surprised that as his soul was leaving the body he so generously bestows upon me the experience of being not attached to this bag of flesh and fluids and poop. in all his 82 years he expressed his love for me through food. at the moment when he was released from this life he feeds me with the most fulfilling food, a yummy experience of tasting who i am. thanks so much, ah shuk.

and a big thank you to vaidyagrama for bestowing upon me the condition possible for me to receive it. priceless.

human life. brass lamp.

it is said in ayurvedic scriptures that a person's life is like a brass oil lamp. gee. what does that mean? you see, when a brass lamp is sparkled and shiny it is the metaphor of a strong and clean human body. melted butter is the pure  nourishment that is being fed into the body regularly with moderation. the wicks are the organs, systems and tissues that digest  the nutrients and turns them into forms that the body can assimilate. together they create the vessel in which the life force blazes. the lamp burns high and bright until the oil runs out. meanwhile great care is taken to keep the wick standing tall, remove particles of dirt and ash from the melted ghee. and this is the way how a person lives his/her life. a clean, simple and full way. only then the person lives life with a natural force that is filled with peace and joy. when oil runs out the flame goes out quickly and quietly. therefore, as far as i know, in all ancient traditions, jewish, chinese, indian, one thing is agreed. it is a sign of great blessedness in a person who dies in his sleep. in fact, rabbi abraham joshua heschel, a universally respected and admired teacher, passed away during sabbath in his sleep. now, that is going out in sublime style. why am i going on and on about all this? my step-father, as i type this, is lying in hospital, in his final days. we discovered him in coma the morning after we had dinner together. i prepared him a plate of food. as always, he ate in quiet. now as i look back i did recognize a tiny signal. he was kind of subdued. given this was the first time i have seen him in over a year because we live a pacific ocean apart, i thought he was a little less excited that i expected him to be. so what did i do? i just let go of the expectation and enjoyed the dinner, enjoyed being with him. less than twenty hours later, i walked through the door. i saw his face before my mother said a word. honest to god and my innermost and highest self, i took a glance over his face as he was lying on his bed i felt this message within me. HE HAS NO WRINKLES. HE LOOKS YOUNGER. HE IS GONE. soon i recall my sister's face as i dressed her body for funeral. the same thing. SHE HAS NO WRINKLES. SHE LOOKS YOUNGER. SHE IS GONE.

indeed. when the flame of life force has gone out, the brass lamp body looks the same. yet something is different. the light is no more. and this is what death really is. the light of life has moved on. 

goddess i am

pujari

nine months and plenty of training, mentoring, shadowing and loads of practicing later i can now put myself together from head to toe. i know of pujaris who can do it in five minutes. what can i say? i am what i am. it takes me a lot longer than five minutes and i still have room for improvement especially pleating. but i hang in there and i am getting there. is it worth it? absolutely. it is such joy to perform arati, the ritual of waving a butter flame to express gratitude and the longing to become a blazing light which is none other than that inner light of our own innermost and highest self.

the jewelry and make up are, truly speaking, a glimpse of the awesome brilliance and grandeur of my own light. i don't need them to make me whole but it is certainly loads of fun figuring out ways to celebrate the inner beauty that is already there, to salute the arrival of the goddess.

dream. serve. vote for obama.

for the kid who dares to dream. for the kid who wants to serve. for them i vote for obama. first of all i have to say i don't agree with quite a few things with what the president has done and still doing. second, i actually volunteered for his campaign in 08, the first time i ever got that involved in politics. not this time around. so it has been kind of sad to realize that i couldn't bring myself to commit to vote for him again.

until 2 days ago i was still undecided. and i am typing this post as election results are beginning to come in. for some time i have been praying for guidance regarding the vote. i keep my mind open. so much noise. so much negativity tossing around. i keep my eye wide and clear, ear steeped in the stillness of the heart.

then a recent saturday afternoon i stumbled upon the news that bruce springsteen performed after bill clinton gave a speech at a rally. i kind of felt drawn to catch that. i did so. the little bit that i heard was exactly what i needed to hear.

2 things. first, student loan reform. graduates can repay their loan over 20 years at a fixed percentage of their income. it means if a young doctor wants to serve in a rural community as a primary physician he/she can do it without worrying about how to pay off $200k student loan. second, young people can be covered under their parents' coverage. it means time for the young one to dream, to search, to experiment, to fail and get up and try again.

how many kids who grow up would do that? i don't know. but one kid can change the world. one kid out there has the chance to become what he/she ought to be regardless of the birth circumstances. it takes fuel and oxygen to set a flame ablaze. and so i vote for obama for bestowing to the kids the conditions to become what they dream to be.

thousand more years to go. west side story

it's been nineteen glorious years. how fortunate hwubby and i have each other to travel life with.

the best marriage advice i ever received is this. hold your hands and see each other you will end in divorce, hold your hands and see god in each other then you'll be fine. i can't say i have totally imbibed this wisdom and totally live by it because in the heat of the moment i forget, and not infrequently. what do i forget, really? that i am deeply flawed and imperfect. sure, my innermost and highest self is pure and perfect. but there is a tangled ball of conditionings, preconceived notions, habitual tendencies covering it. the moment i can bring my attention back to that place of inner tranquility i can see what's at hand differently. the self of me sees the self of him.

i saw the movie 'west side story' when i was little. i loved the music. who created these gorgeous sounds that squeeze my heart and wring my gut? leonard bernstein. bernstein. i have loved that name ever since. and an inexplicable desire appeared. i would like to have that name. i never told anyone. what's the possibility of a chinese girl from a poor neighborhood in hong kong to become a 'bernstein?' well, here i am. as a matter of fact, it wasn't until years after i got married that i recalled this experience. now, with 21 years of spiritual efforts i can truly say that was the voice of my highest and innermost self. the voice of boundless potential. the voice of infinite possibility.

i am truly looking forward to the thousand more years with hwubby, hand in hand, heart in heart, seeing the self in each other.