let her be and include myself

i've been grappling, well, actually struggling is the more accurate word, with the relationship with a particular person for...suffice to say, all my life. so many times in the past i thought i have already taken care of it only to find myself smashed and mushed and rolled over. something is not resolved. not yet. what is it? i ask earnestly, again and again. i am not seeking approval. i am not asking someone else to tell me what i should do. been there. done that. i know the answer is within. so i turn it, turn it and turn it. this morning, three am, i am wide awake. my awareness is wide open and quiet. i hear three words. let. her. be. it feels right. then i hear a follow up question. what about me? response comes in less than a breath. include yourself in the picture. bingo. nailed it. i can see in a super fast flash that in the past i have never done that. and so, for the lack of a gentler way to put it, i became an enabler, appeaser, door mat with rage and resentment and bitterness simmering barely beneath the surface. let it go. gather all that will that i have cultivated all these years, turn it toward the power within my own self, and all the guidance i need is there. nowhere else.

it's not my life.

here's what it comes down to. anything that takes me away from the task at hand, unless it's a real life or death emergency, means taking me out of the present moment, out of the calm and centered state of my own great self. anything. no exception. i must be brutal about it. i can offer understanding and compassion, lend a listening ear. having said that i have to be clear that i refuse to be an enabler and get dragged into other's drama. period. once i heard a person going on and on to a monk about the vivid details of his life woes. now i have to make it clear that they have known each other a long time. the monk listens intently without a sound. finally when the man is done he asks, what should i do with my life, swamiji? without missing a beat the monk bursts into laughter, gives him a pat on the back, and says, it's not my life. for a moment the man is stunned. then he starts to laugh too.