i want moksha

It's 3.30 am. I'm oiled hair to toe and I am also immersed in incomparable bliss. i never thought it would be possible for me to meditate and chant all day in the full glory of pujari outfit, and then keep up with daily ayurveda treatment during full immersion retreat schedul, not to mention preparing food according to ayurveda guidelines from dr harikrishnan. but then with guru's grace, full-on support from hwubby, and a burning desire to know my own Self anything is possible. so here i am. 

vata. hashem.

chinese say, being patient long enough makes one doctor. i won't go so far. i would say, though, being someone 'vata aggravated',  after two full rounds of panchakarma and two years of home treatment and medicine i am certainly more aware of it. a person passes me by and i think to myself, i see vata aggravation.  here, in this case, i'd say, hwubby is the opposite of it. vata pacified. seriously. look at him. he's shining, radiant, glowing, rosy. i have the aid of cosmetics. he has none. think about it.

ayurveda says the growth of a tree trunk is a nice metaphor in connection with this. the newest growth is supple, moist, smooth, tender, translucent. think baby skin.  as time goes by, new growth become old. eventually what once was young sap becomes bark. dry, flaky, wrinkled, cracked, rough.  think arthritis.

salutations to the ghee we take everyday ( i make my own ghee on full moons ) and daily oil application. they keep our skin amazing, joint lubricated, and so on and so forth.

scriptures say it is not unusual for yogis to have lifespan of 160 years.  examples are everywhere. moses was called to lead hebrews out of narrowland at 80. g'd called avram to leave his fatherland at 75. so hwubby is very, very young. hallelujah.

i thank our guru for guiding us to find each other. i thank the rishis for bestowing humanity with the knowledge of health. i thank vaidyagrama for making authentic ayurveda available. such great good fortune.

blessed i am to have such a marvelous husband.
no matter how much i think of him
he thinks of me so much more.
he's such a bright, warm light.
he is illumined and he illumines me.
his sweet, brave light brightens mine.
i know his light is always on for me.
two lights as one.
when i wave the sacred flame i experience his love, guru's love,
god's love,
my own love.
one love.
ever young. ever fresh. ever brilliant.
adonai eloheinu. adonai echad.
the force of hashem is in all. the force of hashem is One.
he's of the form of love.

day after yom kippur. pujari. teshuva.

fasted on yom kippur. all day service. got up next morning, sunday, at 3, meditated, chanted rudram, went to ashram to prep for pujari seva, chanted guru gita with sangham. then, ta-da, hwubby came with some family to see me wave the light in temple. such joy.

it's been kind of like this. longer and deeper meditation. loving rudram more and more everyday. stabilizing into a groove of rewrites on the novel. all while handling worldly affairs and in a state of happiness. just like my name. sukh. in sanskrit it means 'happy place.'

the other day someone sent feedback to hwubby, that something i said and did made her uncomfortable. i didn't feel offended at all. i didn't feel the need to defend. instead i had this surge of, for the lack of a better word, compassion. inwardly i sent blessings to this person. outwardly i discussed with hwubby what i ought to do. quickly i came to conclusion that i would, thru hwubby, let this person know how apologetic i am that i have done and said something that has upset her and that it has never been my intention to cause her any discomfort in any way.

the truth of the matter is, nothing anybody says or does can add or take away what i am. i am the wonderful, happy self that is fearless, resilient and ablaze.  that is the truth. that is the truth. that is the truth.

just as the scientists don't know what caused big bang, what created gravity and what makes the physical universe all still hanging together i will never know how exactly panchakarma works on a biochemical and physiological level. but it's all right. i feel such growing gratitude for being part of all this. i thank gravity for grounding me. i am so thankful for being led to vaidyagram where i can experience the benefits resulting from the deep meditation of rishis from five thousand years ago. if it were not for the trust in my guru i would never have landed in this place populated by brilliant and dedicated ayurveda doctors, therapists and staff. to me that is divine gravity working. i am drawn towards that which i long for. that which helps me move towards moksha, liberation.

i so enjoy waving the flame to the seat of the guru, to bade baba, to baba. i thank them for showing me my own flame and how to keep it burning high clean and pure. let's crack that coconut and keep grace flowing.