9/14/09, 40 + 55, aumming is tune-up

as the resonance of the last aum gently massages my body, waves of buzzing thrills flow through me. in the midst of the steady humming sound of the moving breath, a realization comes. just as the steinway piano bequeathed from hubby's beloved grandma bea needs a tune-up regularly by a professional, aumming is tuning-up the body and mind, restoring me to the frequency it should be, that of the Self.

computer worm

posting on hubby'scomputer. airport in mine is off. what happened? in the midst of researching on the web, gliding from one site to another when a window pops up, says something to the effect that my computer is critically affected by virus and i have to download this anti-virus thing. in the background a big screen with blinking words like 'critical', 'worms.' the shock and horror freezes the mind into a blank. at the same time i feel this heightened alertness of the breath coming in and going out on its own without me doing anything. i am sure i am not doing anything to breathe because i am frozen in the body and in the mind. anyway, there is this upsurge of calm and clarity spreading through my whole being. instantaneously. really, really powerful. i am acutely aware that i am looking at panic and anxiety attack on the one hand, and calm and courage on the other. without a doubt i know i have the power to choose. i look down the road of worrying and projecting. the decision is clear. i'm not going there. i gather my attention and laser it into the calm. and the insight comes: there is a solution within every situation. yes, i can handle this. whatever it takes to take care of it, i'll do it with calm and ease. i'll do the best with what i have right where i am. i am within this spacious quiet subtly pulsating aliveness and possibilities.

9/12/09, 40 + 28, everything i do become meditation

today i did something before i meditated. hubby, just returned after away for most of the week, and i held each other. it's one of my top fave things to do, holding him in the pre-dawn hours, reveling in his warmth and love amidst strobelight streaks of lightning, rolling thunder and night rain. at the same time i saw a little concern in the horizon of the mind, i don't want to miss meditation. i took a couple of rounds of deep breaths when hubby said, on the plane back i got the idea how to do it. i knew immediately what he was talking about. a huge grant he's resolved to work at. i felt an inner turnaround, an upsurge of attention directing towards him. then for a little while i had no thought but to listen to him. periodically i felt moved to respond. there was an easeful rhythm in the gentle momentum before it gently slowed and faded, all in a natural manner. silence ensued for a couple of moments. i knew, and i knew he knew, it's time to get up and move on.

i was a little concerned that today's meditation might be more difficult what if the 'disruption.' on the contrary, there was a special resonance in aummming coming from deep within the belly. as a matter of fact, i found myself immersed in a deep silence when i discovered that i was only part way through the 36 rounds. for a tiny fraction of an instant, i watched the tendency to beat myself up whiff through and then i picked up aumming where i left off, sailed through it, and glided into a smooth and open sea. all in all, it didn't feel like an hour but just a short, sweet while.

indeed, with the intention to meditate, every thing i do become meditation.

9/11/09, 39 + 43 letting off steam

i'm watching steam fiercely pushing out around the pot cover rim of the boiling whole oats. it's 4.30am. i lift the pot cover a little and billows of steam rush out. in that moment i realize why every so often i have to skip meditation a day or two. i'm meditating regularly and intensely. tremendous meditation energy is building up. a lot of habitual tendencies are being pulled up, weakened and pulled out. it's a lot of work. enormous heat is generated. so every now and then i need to cool it off a little bit. i don't have to worry that i would slacken and not return to meditation. i've past the point of no return. i'm so in love with meditation i can't imagine living without it for more than a couple of days in a row. if anyone said to me 20 years ago, one day you would feel satisfied and at peace just sitting quietly with your eyes closed i would have said, that's impossible.

obama dream

i'm outside obama's office. he's waiting for me. we hug big time. he says, who do you really go to for advice? we hug again. then we are in a hotel room with twin beds. we shower and rest, each in our own bed. his smile is soothingly warm as the morning sun. it all feels bright and natural, the way it should be.

9/10/09, 39 + 35 m, where are the data and panic?

i go into meditation with a cloud hanging over my head: all the computer notebooks have disappeared and so are all but one of the excel sheets. i fully expect there should be at least some worry, upsetness, anxiety, beating up myself of some sort. but to my surprise, there is none. i look and look, open eyes and then closed eyes. all i see is a vast sense of calm and peace, and a firm conviction that whatever the situation is i can handle it. if necessary i can recreate the data. i have not lost that which i don't need. the data is not me. at the end of the day i am the Self. that's the data that truly matters, never changes, ever refreshes, renews, updates, and always with me.

ps. as i was writing this post, it came to me to look up my chart. and there it is...'around 9/18...very tricky with computer...very easy to lose information.' weeeeellll.

9/9/09, 38 + 50, within belly

there is a chinese proverb 'heaven and earth hidden inside the belly.' i heard of it since little. i remember seeing a black ink drawing depicting a laughing buddha with clouds and temple inside his huge belly. i never knew where this idea came from and what it meant. this morning i remember it in meditation and i understand it because i have an experience of it. yes, the heaven and earth within is as real as the one without. with this understanding, i kick up my fearlessness another notch.